The Devil's Music

One of my seven-year-old’s favorite songs is Metallica’s For Whom the Bell Tolls. My five-year-old could listen to Black Sabbath’s Iron Man on a continuous loop. Both of them request music like Coheed & Cambria’s Welcome Home while they have their action figures engage in combat.

As you might guess, I’m very proud.

However, there are times when, instead of overhearing them sing the lyrics to Kings of Leon, a small voice from the rear seat of the car can be heard mumbling, “Somebody call 9-1-1. Shorty fire burning on the dance floor…Oh-oh-oh.”

This is, no doubt, the evil influence of Kidz Bop.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go to your television, turn on any channel dedicated to kids’ programming and watch until a commercial break. You won’t have to watch any longer than that, because it will be on. I stake my reputation on it.

If you really have never seen this, prepare to be disturbed. Within minutes, you will hear multitudes of high voices singing songs they have no business singing. Now in its seventeenth (WHAAAAT?!) installment, Kidz Bop features current popular music being sung by hoards of children. To be honest, I have only heard the majority of these songs sung by the Kidz Bop masses, never by their original artists.

Children’s music used to be Peter, Paul & Mary’s Puff the Magic Dragon or Big Bird singing about the alphabet (he thought it was one long word – HAHAHAHAHA! Crazy muppet!). It wasn’t the least annoying music for an adult to overhear, I’m sure, but it had a higher purpose to it. At least it was more appropriate for kids.

Instead, as you will see on said commercial, today kids are learning newer lessons from music. Teach your child to equate love with obsession and stalking through the lyrics of Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi. Help them realize it’s a positive thing to make a display of themselves as they sing along to Brittany Spear’s epic Circus. Chuckle to yourself as the double meaning of the lyrics, “I can bring the fire, make you come…alive. I can take you higher,” from Kevin Rudolph’s Let It Rock sails right over their innocent little heads (I wonder here if they cut Lil’ Wayne’s diatribe out of this version). Don’t forget, the Pussycat Dolls appear on these albums too! Joy!

Don’t get me wrong. I firmly believe it is the responsibility of each parent to filter anything they don’t want their kids exposed to. I will also note that the majority of the songs featured on these collections are harmless, intended to let the kids have fun with the music. They even have a disc of Beatles songs that looks to me at first take to be pretty well selected.

But do the commercials have to be on constantly? Can’t I enjoy the new episode of Spongebob without hearing this music?

Plus, I used to be able to listen to classic rock, hard rock, rock (okay, some variety of rock, you get it) in the car with them. Now, if their faces aren’t buried in a handheld video game, I’m listening to dance and hip hop. Eww. And I’m not even buying them the Kidz Bop discs. This is all from the commercials.

Even as I try to hum Rosalita to myself and keep the demons out, eventually it creeps its way into my head. Before I know it, I’m singing along to I Hate This Part:

“I can’t take it any longer.
Thought that we were stronger.
All we do is linger.
Slipping through my fingers.
I don’t wanna try now.
All that’s left’s Goodbye now…”

Argh! It’s happening again! Curse you Kidz Bop!

Cuuuuurrrrrssssseeeee Yooooouuuuu!!!!!!!!!!