Sunday, February 21, 2010

Sleeping Late & Mind Control

Today confirms that my sons are becoming smarter than me.

The first sign is that they are able to keep track of days of the week. This is something that I have a great deal of difficulty with. They're able to remember how many days of school are left in the week and which days they are off of school. They use this time to plot and prepare. To lull me into a sense of security.

I know this because on the days they have school, they continue to sleep as I come into their room to wake them at 7AM. Then they slowly drag their little butts out of bed and only do what I instruct them to do and only after I instruct them to do it at least five times.

Their internal clocks wake them up much earlier on the weekends. Usually, they come in to my room at 6AM to ask if they can play with my iPhone. I used to let them have it until another sign of increasing maturity - making their own phone calls - set in. So I tell them no and roll over, figuring, I'll get another hour or two of sleep and wake up naturally to the sound of them playing.

About noon, I roll over and see the clock and the guilt instantly sets in. So I awaken and head downstairs.

This leads me to the second sign that they're becoming smarter than me. They know, while I obviously don't, that I will remain sleeping until noon if they keep their mayhem quiet enough. The proof of this comes in the form of couch cushions lining the stairs to make it into a slide, toys strewn across every inch of the floor and, of course, their green tongues. The tongues show that they took the opportunity to eat candy all morning.

You'd think that this would send me over the deep end. I'd yell and make them clean everything up immediately. Then, it would be off to their rooms for their grounding. Such a sight must alter my behavior enough to cause me to begin setting my alarm on the weekends as well, making sure I'll at least wake up by, say 9 or 10AM, giving them a few precious hours less time to destroy anything.

You're not alone if you think this. You are not alone because it means that my sons are becoming smarter than you too.

I feel your pain.

Yes, the third sign is that my boys even know that I will not yell or scold until I start making a pot of coffee. So, they run around, whispering to each other, deciding which items to pick up first to make the house seem less messy as soon as possible. They also put the candy they ate for breakfast away.

You see, they have figured out that, if I'm out of bed, my wife will be close behind (as there are a few stops for her to make before heading downstairs). They know my wife is more forgiving than I and, furthermore, that I will seem crazy for complaining about what a mess the house was made into if it is suddenly half as messy as when I woke up. This will work in their favor when I attempt to get their mother to side with me on punishment.

"Honey, look at this mess. The couch cushions are..."

"The cushions are on the couch, dear. They just got a little excited with they're toys, that's all."

Touche, boys.

This may sound like enough for you. You may read this and say, "Wow, they've got this guy figured out. What are they going to get away with further down the road?"

My answer to you would be, "Honestly, the possibilities are endless" because now is the time they go in for the kill. They use the one device so fiendish, so diabolical, so crafty and manipulative that they know it will erase all of the morning's wrongdoings from my memory.

"We want bacon," they shout, and as I cook it on the stove top, all my worries melt away, floating off through the hood fan with the aromatic, sizzling bacon fat.

The only reason I remember it today is because I have used the short period between coffee and bacon to write this. At this moment my mind is clear. Their confidence in their control over me has allowed me time to document it.

I must publish this before they see me.

Send help.

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