Showing posts with label throwback. Show all posts
Showing posts with label throwback. Show all posts

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Third Person Thursday, Throwback Edition: Fear Itself

It being October and me being too busy (translate: lazy) to produce any new fictional content, I skimmed through the TGD archives and found this four part story from October/November of last year.  I recall that I started this one not exactly knowing where it would go and it ran off on an entirely different direction than I had anticipated.  That being said, it is a little sloppy at times as most of my hastily constructed Third Person Thursday efforts are, but there are some scenes there worth reading still I think.

I will stop boring you with the insights to the process and provide you now with the links to the story's various parts.  Enjoy...


That's all for this week's Third Person Thursday.  I could get used to this throwback stuff.  It's way easier than writing new material.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Third person Thursday, Throwback Edition: Exceptional - Book 2

As promised, Third Person Thursday this week looks back to the second book in our super hero serial, Exceptional.  If you didn't read Book 1 last week, you can find all the links here.  Once again, all of these portions of the story were created with very little free time and when I look back at them myself they seem at times sloppy, but they are what they are.  If I were to try and get them published I would go over them with a fine tooth comb and change a lot of things, but for the likes of you all, they should do.  I'm kidding, of course.  Enjoy.


Now that that's over, I'm looking into rerunning another serial next week.  Let me know if you enjoyed (or didn't for that matter) reading this one.

Thanks for reading.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Third Person Thursday, Throwback Edition: Exceptional, Book One

During the fledgling months of this blog's existence, I undertook a significant project.  I used one of the early installment of Third Person Thursday to begin a serial superhero tale that would unfold over several weeks.  I titled it Exceptional.

It was the story of a young teenager figuring out that there was something different about him and, furthermore, trying to figure out just what the hell he was supposed to do about it.  It was rough as I tried to hold myself to the self-imposed Thursday deadlines (which I did not always meet) but I had fun writing it and received some positive feedback over it.  Some months later, the characters called back to me that they wanted more and so I began Exceptional Book Two, another series of stories which were, in many ways, just as rough and hurried as its prequel had been but were still incredibly fun for me to write.

I had been inundated with superhero input over the past few weeks as I catch up on back issues of comic books, watch all the Avengers special features and read Supergods by Grant Morrison.  Thus, I am going to spend this and next Thursday reposting the stories that were.  I will post the links to the originals in order with Book One's links today and Book Two's next Thursday.

Without further ado, please enjoy Exceptional: Book One...


I know that's a lot to take in, true believers, but maybe you'll space it out and be thoroughly excited about diving into Book Two next week.  I can only hope you look forward to more and don't hate me for wasting your time.

Thanks for reading.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Third Person Thursday (Throwback Edition): Body Works

Brain watched the twin video monitors intently, taking in the footage from both Left and Right Eye simultaneously, processing them together to calculate depth.  He leaned forward and pressed the button labeled Right Arm on the large control panel in front of him.  This caused several of the buttons to light up at once.

“Right Bicep, extend the entire arm so that the Right Hand Division can get around the back of the pipe,” he said into a speaker.

“Aye, aye, sir,” called back Right Bicep as Brain watched his instructions followed to the letter on the monitor.

Brain hit the Right Arm button again and the lights extinguished.  Right Bicep, Tricep, Forearm, Hand and each of the Fingers worked in unison to loosen the nut from around the drainpipe.  They struggled and strained for a few minutes as Brain watched the water seep from around the gasket.

“This isn’t working,” he mumbled to himself.  Then he snatched the microphone from its stand and made an announcement.  “Attention all body parts.  This is Brain speaking.  We are aborting this project effective immediately.  I will need the assistance of Right and Left Hands and both Eyes in order to conduct some Internet research.  All personnel are hereby instructed to execute the getting up from the floor protocol.  And please be careful.  This ship’s not as young as it used to be.”

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Third Person Thursday Throwback Edition: The Lost Tribe of Algenia


It took many generations before they saw their effort rewarded. The people of the Algenian race had suffered through great hardship. Their god had given them a land that was harsh and merciless.

Yet they had managed to survive.

Despite infertile crops, wave after wave of unexplained plagues and severe weather, their people had managed to prevail. Each time their race was near extinction, the Algenian people would make sacrifices to their god and pray not for good fortune or happiness, but merely for survival.

Time after time it had been granted.

Never had the Algenians questioned their god. Never had they wondered why they were not blessed with more or why they were made to worry that their children may be the last of their kind. They simply worked and thanked their god for the mercy he had decided to show them.They worked long days and nights to prepare for the days when their god may not be so merciful.

And so, with The Great Flourishing came much rejoicing. The Algenians were certain that their hard work and their tireless faith had finally paid off.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Belated Third Person Thursday, Throwback Edition: Something He'd Rather (You'd All) Forget

This Third Person Thursday post was originally co-written by my wife last November near the time that the Penn State scandal was first revealed.  With the case in the courts now, I wanted to go back to it due to my ever-lasting disbelief that there are people in the world who would defend the actions and behavior of any single person involved in what has happened to the victims in the case.


Each of his fifteen years of public service were confident, intentional steps leading up to this very day. Peeking out into the audience from behind the stage curtains, he could see his family sitting in the front row, huge smiles on their faces, shaking hands and conversing with people. With his religious upbringing, pride was not a feeling he felt comfortable with, but today, he couldn’t help himself from booming with it.  Guilt was pushed aside and he told himself the pride was well-earned, with all his honest hard work, the solid relationships and partnerships he tactfully engineered in his party’s best interest, and his undying loyalty to their causes. Today was about all of it – the years of sweat, the sacrifices, his family, his party, his country – and he would own today.

The audience grew silent and was seated now, awaiting their candidates’ arrival on the stage for some lively debate. “Governor Shea?” a voice behind him called. He turned, and faced a young female reporter he knew well from his campaigning. She was his own daughter’s age and reminded him of her in some ways – very smart and ambitious, a future as bright as the sun.

“Yes, what is it Miss Goetz? They’re about to call us on stage.”

Miss Goetz held photographs in her hand and held them out for him to see. “Sir, the press was just sent these photos from your college days. It appears it’s you, flipping a car over, and then later, in this video clip, you talk to reporters about how you support Joe Paterno undyingly. It was years ago, at Penn State, in the wake of the discovery of years of mass child molestation going on with others knowing about it and doing nothing – the Jerry Sandusky scandal. Sir, can I get your official comment on how you believe this will impact your run for President? Sir, before you go on stage? Sir? Sir? Sir?"


...........
"Mr. Shea?"

The change in manner of address shook him from his daydream. He wasn't about to go on stage anymore. He was sitting across a desk from a young woman.  She was near his daughter's age. Two years had passed since he abruptly canceled his press conference.

"Mr. Shea?" the young woman asked again. "You were saying?"

"Sorry," he composed himself and consulted the catalog on his desk. "We can get you that model in the Cornflower Blue and we can have it here by next Tuesday. So what do you say? Am I selling you this car today?"

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Third Person Thursday (Throwback Edition): Body Works

Brain watched the twin video monitors intently, taking in the footage from both Left and Right Eye simultaneously, processing them together to calculate depth.  He leaned forward and pressed the button labeled Right Arm on the large control panel in front of him.  This caused several of the buttons to light up at once.

“Right Bicep, extend the entire arm so that the Right Hand Division can get around the back of the pipe,” he said into a speaker.

“Aye, aye, sir,” called back Right Bicep as Brain watched his instructions followed to the letter on the monitor.

Brain hit the Right Arm button again and the lights extinguished.  Right Bicep, Tricep, Forearm, Hand and each of the Fingers worked in unison to loosen the nut from around the drainpipe.  They struggled and strained for a few minutes as Brain watched the water seep from around the gasket.

“This isn’t working,” he mumbled to himself.  Then he snatched the microphone from its stand and made an announcement.  “Attention all body parts.  This is Brain speaking.  We are aborting this project effective immediately.  I will need the assistance of Right and Left Hands and both Eyes in order to conduct some Internet research.  All personnel are hereby instructed to execute the getting up from the floor protocol.  And please be careful.  This ship’s not as young as it used to be.”

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Third Person Thursday (Throwback Edition): The Bird & the Fly


Most people would have thought they were looking at a cardinal. George knew better.

It had startled George when it landed suddenly no more than ten feet from him but he instinctively held very still in order to observe it. The bird seemed equally startled. It stared sideways and motionless at George as if to say, “Oh my! I didn’t see you there.”

The bird was entirely red, say for its black eyes and dull yellow beak. The color even ran down into its legs before giving way to a grayish brown at its feet. There was no black mask and no pointed crown atop its head. These are the characteristics that allowed George to recognize it as its proper species. It was most definitely not a cardinal. It was a summer tanager.

Having properly classified it, George could appreciate how rare it was to see one this far north, only twenty miles from the Illinois-Wisconsin border, especially in the early spring with the temperature just recently above forty degrees on a consistent basis. Furthermore, the fact that it had come down from the treetops where it usually feeds just to happen to land so close to George was a blessing. This was a truly rare sighting and George found himself wishing he had tucked a notepad into his back pocket before he had ventured out into the field.

You wouldn’t know it from his quick recognition of the tanager, but George was relatively new to bird watching. In fact, it wasn’t a hobby he had picked up intentionally. Rather, his newest assignment happened to bring him regularly to open grassy areas with nearby trees and it also happened to involve a lot of sitting around and waiting. Being rather susceptible to boredom, after only a few days it became apparent to George that he would need to start doing something to keep his attention.

Monday, December 26, 2011

'Twas the Day After Christmas (TGD Throwback Post)


With Christmas in the rearview mirror for my family, I reached back into the Transformer Generation Dad vault and pulled out this gem from one year ago today.  A few minor changes have been made to it since last year, particularly the changing of a painful ending (you can read the original here to see what I mean because I'd rather not talk about it) and the new year's popular toys being mentioned (though Lego stands firmly in its place), but the majority of it remains the same.  Please enjoy and Happy Holidays once again to all of you and your loved ones.


'Twas the Day After Christmas

‘Twas the day after Christmas and on my end of this blog,

My kids were still fired up like a blazing Yule log.

The stockings had been harvested for their Christmas Morning booty

After St. Nicholas had filled them per his Christmas Eve duty.

My children played with Angry Birds, Lego and more,

Leaving toys in their wake strewn across our wood floor.

My wife in frustration and I with chagrin

Had underestimated how many presents there’d been.

As I picked up wrapping paper, a sneer crossed my face

And my wife mentioned wryly, “We could use some more space.”

I nodded agreement without using my voice

And realized I needed to make a tough choice.

While our sons played downstairs with the occasional shout,

I could search through the house for old crap to throw out.

But try as I did, I failed, I confess.

Our house did not look like there was anything less.

No matter how many bags to the garbage I schlepped,

When I walked through the house, I inevitably stepped

On Nerf darts, on Hot Wheels, on Lego brick sets,

On plush Angry Birds, and almost a new 3DS.

My feet very sore from stepping on toys,

I shouted out angrily, “Get your butts up here, boys!”

With a pause of the Wii and a drop of Nerf guns,

They came, unsuspecting I’d redden their buns.

But what I then saw prevented utter calamity.

The joy on their faces snapped me back to my sanity.

I decided right there not to wallow or sulk.

I decided it was no time to rage like the Hulk.

My mood was suddenly improved without warning,

I asked, “Did you like what you opened last morning?”

They said they had maybe the best Christmas Day

Then I gave them each hugs and sent them back down to play.

Seeing small smiling faces led me to a simple deduction:

That’s precisely why we make the day such a production.

The spirit of giving is why we celebrate this season

But getting is also a pretty decent reason.

Instead of cleaning up mess after mess the whole day,

I had cool books to read and new video games to play.

So I put on warm pajamas and thick, comfy socks

And snuck up to my room where I played some Xbox.

Then I thought as I fired with my rifle’s thermal site

We had a pretty damn merry Christmas, alright.

Hope you had one too and your hearts are all full

Now it’s on to the New Year and welcome back to my Bulls.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Double Third person Thursday (Throwback Edition) In Honor of My Ailing Dog


Third Person Thursday: Dirty Little Secrets


Each morning for three months while he breathed steam across the surface of his cup of coffee between sips, Gregory stared out across the frozen expanse. Anytime a new inch or two fell, he liked watching the loose powder slide across, up and over the largest drifts which had turned to solid hills of ice long ago. He thought of Carl Sandburg’s description of fog whenever he saw it.

That’ll be frozen soon enough too, he would think.

Despite the monotony, he admired the majesty of such a large rolling field of nothing, a surface where you could lose yourself and your sense of perspective if you looked at it long enough. He had to remind himself to look away, blink and rub his eyes now and then.

Snow-blind, he would mumble to himself as he did this and then take another sip of coffee as it had already begun to cool.

He used this routine as a way to clear his mind and relax at the beginning of the day. He imagined that his day started the same way the landscape looked, a blank white canvass. Yet every day, as he looked out the window at the pure, sprawling sheet of white, Gregory knew there were secrets beneath it all. He knew that things were buried below the ice and snow that not man nor creature would reach until Mother Nature had decided to allow them access via thaw.

He knew of the mess and the filth that someone had left beneath the snow, concealing it where nobody would find it for months. And each day, Gregory wondered how soon it would reveal itself. When would the pure snow that he looked at one day recede and expose the disgusting truth that lie beneath? He knew the day came ever closer, but it was impossible to know how long it would take.

And so, Gregory waited. He had learned years ago to enjoy the scenery while he could before it was sullied. Too soon, he would have to deal with the truth. That day always arrived before he would have liked, but it was inevitable.

The worst part came when he began to just see parts of them peeking out through the melting ice and snow. When it first began to warm, the rotting, decayed remains would still be frozen to the ground. There was no point in trying to dispose of them. This was when he stopped enjoying his coffee at the window. During the weeks when he waited for the thaw to grip the ground fully, Gregory peeked out to look at the progress and then retreated to his desk with his coffee. He didn’t want his appetite ruined.

But he could only avoid it for so long. The bits and pieces had to be retrieved and properly disposed of or people would begin to talk. He could only imagine the complaints.

It was then that the yearly ritual would commence. Gregory would don his rubber boots, pull on latex gloves, stuff the oversized pockets of his coat with as many heavy duty trash bags as they could carry, throw the old rusted shovel over his shoulder and go out to do the dirty work. It fell to him to clean up the mess that had been left behind because somebody had to do it. He realized his friend couldn’t help himself, but he wished there were a better way for him to satisfy his urges. There was no changing that now, however, and Gregory would set to his duty.

“Going out honey?” his wife called to him, somehow oblivious as to what had gone on behind their home every winter for the last several years.

Gregory cringed. He didn’t want to explain to her the disgusting task that lay before him. Yet, he didn’t know what to say. To his horror, before he could figure anything out, the truth was escaping from his lips.

“Gotta go clean up the dog crap in the yard,” he shouted up the stairs, “be back in an hour or two.”

Third person Thursday (Throwback Edition) In Honor of My Ailing Dog


Third Person Thursday: Lost in the Storm


He had focused so much on the task in front of him that he hadn't thought about the return trip. He was regretting that now.

As Butch turned to begin his trek back home after dropping off his package, he didn't recognize a thing. The snow blew sideways and swirled past his face, leaving him barely able to see a foot in front of his nose. He saw everything in shades of grey, and now mostly white. Even the tracks he had left behind on his journey had been blown over by the drifting snow. There was no trace that he had ever traveled this way. Butch suspected that if he stood still much longer, he might be drifted over as well.

His first instinct was to call out. Immediately after doing so, he thought about how silly he was to think it would help. The rest of his party was safe and warm. He was the one who had insisted on venturing out in such conditions. He was the one who absolutely had to make that drop off. He was the one that couldn't wait.

His next step was to begin moving in the direction he thought was right. As he did, he sank into drift after drift. He had to use all of his strength to bound over the hills of snow and more kept piling on top.

Before he knew it, he had reached a wall. He knew it wasn't the way he came from and began to panic. Having obviously already headed the wrong way, he had now thrown off his sense of direction even further.

He called out again in fear.

All hope seemed lost. Anger began to well inside of Butch. He pictured the rest of his group huddled in the warmth. They never should have let him go out in these conditions. Not by himself.

He called out again and again. He had no idea what else to do. Butch was certain that he would be lost forever, his frozen body encased in a mountain of snow only to be found in the Spring thaw.

That's when he heard something. His eyesight and sense of smell were useless in the blizzard, but his impeccable hearing picked something up. He moved instinctively toward the sound.

It came again. He still couldn't make out what it was, but he had to keep moving toward it. He had to hope that it was something that could save him. He had nothing else left. While trudging forward, his legs burning, his eyes straining to make out something in the haze of grey and white, the frigid winds bit at his nose and ears.

Just as he was about to give up and lie on his side in the snow to await an icy grave, he was able to make out a figure in the distance, through the blustering snow. The hazy outline of the figure stood as if it was waiting for him. With the rest of his remaining strength, he moved toward it.

"Come on, damn it, it's cold out here," the voice from the figure shouted. "If you're done taking your crap, get inside and quit barking."

Butch didn't mind being spoken to that way. He was just happy to see his master again. He stopped quickly to lick his master's hand then ran into the house where the warm pillow with his name embroidered upon it waited next to the heating vent for him.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Favorite Posts About My Dog Day, Part 6


Rest in Peace, Snaky or Slither or Whatever They Were Calling You This Week


Today, my six-year-old called my attention to the fact that, while our pet snake had crawled out from under his rock earlier in the evening, he no longer seemed to be moving. Being a six-year-old, he wanted what he feared to be confirmed before he would believe it. So, once I reached into the cage and nudged our little reptilian friend and he found didn't slide around the cage like he usually does, I had to make it official.

"Yeah, he's dead," I told him.

Time of pronouncement 5:32 PM.

The next hour or so in my household involved a lot of crying. Other than our dog, they had never really had another pet before. We caught a praying mantis once and fed it bugs consistently, but it seemed to be having problems from the beginning and only lasted a few days. They never had the chance to name it or become attached to it. It was more of a science experiment than a pet.

I saved the snake from getting stepped on at work as I walked out of a fried chicken restaurant one day last October. He stayed with me in a bag for the remainder of my day and then I brought him home for my sons to see. I fully expected to release him in our yard or even a nearby wooded area. But my sons wanted to keep him and my wife surprisingly consented. The little brown snake whose name was changed regularly had been with us for about five months.

While I knew my boys wouldn't exactly be happy about the snake's passing, I hadn't expected their sorrow to be so profound. We spent some time remembering what we liked most about Snaky (his original name) and discussing the most respectful method of disposing of his remains (they immediately rejected flushing him down the toilet, but I figured I'd at least throw it out there).

To conclude the night, a very small yet tasteful prayer service was held in the backyard, a hole was dug and an impromptu cross was made out of wooden kitchen skewers and electrical tape to mark the grave. The tears subsided and my sons began to speak of how much longer the snake had been able to live in our care than he would have been able to live in the fried chicken restaurant and how they will miss watching him devour earthworms whole. Eventually they got back to their activities, playing video games and fighting with one another about whose turn it was to play which video game.

With the passing of the most recent addition of our home behind us, I pondered how my boys had just grown up a little. No matter how small (six inches to be precise), my sons had just faced the loss of a family member. They took their time to express their grief, remembered the good times and moved forward, wiser for the experience.

And me? I went over and paid a little extra attention to my dog. I sat on the floor and scratched him behind the ears. Then I took his head in my hands and went nose to nose with him to let him know how I really feel.

"Hey buddy," I said to him. "I swear, if you up dig that snake up and eat it, I will kill you."

Favorite Posts About My Dog Day, Part 5


It's a Dog Sleep Dog World


I admire someone who can stick to his principles despite seemingly insurmountable odds. When you can face adversity and remain firmly grounded in the fundamental aspects of your self, it commands a certain amount of respect. Many great men have bent to the will of others when under pressure, loosing sight of what they truly held as a priority.

Not my dog.

My dog likes to sleep. He likes it so much that he will be damned if he is going to let anyone or anything get in the way of it. Sleep, to him, is the greatest good and he will not be lured from the path of righteousness.

So committed to his craft is my canine friend that I once actually slid him across the room in order to get him out of the way of something I needed to do. His reaction to this was to remain on his side, lift his head and stare at me while I pushed him (thank God for wood floors). Once the move was complete, he went right back to his position and promptly began snoring again.

While some of you may confuse this with stubbornness, I assure you it is more than that. My dog doesn’t just lie down somewhere and refuse to move. He achieves slumbering perfection wherever he goes. I have watched squirrels leap over his prostrate body as he lay in the sun without the slightest twitch. He growled quietly at a large group of sparrows that had surrounded him on one occasion only because one happened to confuse the tip of his tail with appropriate nesting material. Even then, he remained outstretched and held his position once the hairs at the end of his tail were left alone. I challenge you to have this level of versatility with the things you hold dear.

Yes, my dog’s laziness knows no bounds. He knows his priorities and injects them wherever and whenever he can: on his designated bed cushion, on a small pile of dirty laundry, in the grass outside, on a square of sunlight cast on the hardwood floor from the window, immediately in front of his food bowl immediately after eating. There are no restraints on him. He can make himself comfortable anywhere.

I sometimes imagine he’s actually meditating when I discover him laying perfectly still somewhere. I wonder if his doggie mind is clearing out the stress and worry of the day and returning back to a clean slate. If this is the case, my rotund, furry little Zen master has surely achieved Nirvana a thousand times over, which truly makes me jealous.

Then again sometimes I stumble upon him (literally stumble upon him because I didn’t notice him sprawled out in the middle of the hallway) and fear that his advanced age has gotten the best of him and he has passed in his sleep (which is, undoubtedly how he will eventually go…no chasing cars for this one).

But then he snores inward and lets out a deep breath and I know that neither of these possibilities are true. He’s just sleeping.

Well I say, keep it up, hairball. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to be awake or go for walks if you don’t feel like it. Being a dog is what you make of it. It isn’t all playing fetch and begging for food and Master, I missed you so much. You’re not hurting anyone else so stick with what makes you happy. Be your own dog. Don’t succumb to societal pressures. Fight the establishment. Swim against the stream. Don’t let the Man keep you…up.

Favorite Posts About My Dog Day, Part 4


Dog Chops with Red Wine


When you were a kid, if you lived in the Midwest, chances are you looked forward to snow in the winter. You hoped there would be enough to go sledding. You hoped it was sticky enough to make a snowman. You absolutely prayed for so much snow that the doors to the school were blocked four feet high and they had to cancel. Then you couldn’t wait to meet your friends outside and have a huge neighborhood snowball fight and use that hopefully sticky snow to plaster that kid you always hated that sits next to you in Math with a slushball to his face.

And if you didn’t look forward to all of this, you at least looked forward to an excuse to stay home and in bed, maybe with some hot chocolate if you were lucky, maybe with a video game controller in your hands most of the day if you were even luckier.

But let’s be devil’s advocates for a moment and pretend you never looked forward to snow as a kid in the Midwest. Let’s pretend that you sat at home, worrying about the gas bill and how much homework you were going to have to make up while you watched soap operas all day.Let’s entertain the thought that you were the lamest kid ever to live north of forty degrees latitude. Even then, you at least expected that it would snow during the winter and that said snow might cause you some level of inconvenience some time between late November and early March.

So when did everyone seem to completely lose that instinct? At what age does the very mention that we might receive a foot of snow start driving everyone over the deep end? How is it that our preparedness actually decreases as we get older on this issue and we begin to panic?

Everybody seems so surprised at the mere possibility of snow. The news comes up with the most terrifying depictions possible for winter storms with headlines like SNOWPOCALYPSE, SNOWMAGEDDON, WHITE DEATH FROM ABOVE or WINTER MASSACRE 2011: WHAT YOU CAN DO TO SURVIVE? NOTHING! They spend hours covering the mad rush to the grocery stores (which puts a real damper in a guy’s plans to just go pick up a case of beer, let me tell you) and the painful details of how every single shovel and ice scraper within a five hundred mile radius has already been purchased and you’ll have to get on a waiting list just to get one by April. Then you get the ridiculous interview with the poor guy at the gas station:

“Sir, are you stocking up on gas now because of the impending blizzard?”

“Um…I was just under a quarter of a tank and figured I ought to fill up.”

The guy is probably confused because the same reporter has been spewing warnings all week about staying indoors, avoiding frostbite and remaining hydrated as if he’s Bear Grylls giving out extreme survival tips to everybody. If we’re supposed to avoid traveling, why should we be running out to get gas?

I sometimes wish I would be the one to be asked such stupid questions by a reporter: “Yes, sir.I’m currently in the process of hoarding as much fuel as possible. That way, when our society crumbles as a result of our complete ineptitude in the face of some winter precipitation, I’ll be the one calling the shots. Ever see The Road Warrior?”

Honestly, we as a nation need to take it easy with our surprise over weather. Flights get cancelled, plans get changed. Our species has survived through much worse. Start remembering what it was like when you were a kid and how excited it would have been to anticipate so much snow.

If you feel like taking a few precautions would make you breathe easier, go ahead, just don’t go overboard.
Me, I’ve spent a little time reading back over The Walking Dead, so that I’m prepared to shoulder the emotional strain that the end of civilization as we know it will bring. I also sat down with my dog and had a long talk about how, if we should become stranded and detached from the rest of society, he is going to be our first alternative source of food once the canned goods run out. We’ve agreed it will be a respectable dinner. I picked up a nice bottle of red wine while I was getting the beer, just in case.

Favorite Posts About My Dog Day, Part 3


The Art of Pet Names


We have a dog. The dog was a gift to my wife before she had the unfortunate distinction of being my wife (I hear self-deprecation is sexy these days). We had the dog three years prior having any kids.

I had the name for the dog already picked out. My wife put up no fight over it. It was a name I’d had in mind for quite some time. You see, my father loved dogs but was allergic to them, so I never had one growing up but dreamed of the day I would own my own home and be able to have a dog waiting for me when I returned. Of course, I may have felt differently had I known then that dogs don’t wait by the door to lavish you with affection so much as they wait for you to feed them, walk them and pick up their crap. When you really look at the whole relationship, it screams Stockholm Syndrome.

Regardless, whenever I call my dog’s name (his proper name, not the other names I sometimes call him) I’m proud of it. I like his name. It’s a quality pet name.

I tend to like naming pets regular human first names. Fred, Cletus, Jesse, Walter, Truman, Daisy, Elvis, Brutus and Ginger all work for me as pet names. Feel free to use them. I also like to use the name of a different animal. A dog named Bear or Snake, a goldfish named Jackal, a housecat named Gazelle or a hamster named Rhino (I stole that last one from Bolt, so sure me) (Note to Disney: Please don’t sue me). I suppose there’s a sort of ironic quality to it that I like. I feel that by being clever with your pet’s name you somehow transfer that cleverness over to the animal.

Recently, while at work, I found a Northern Brown Snake outside of a restaurant, about to be stepped on. I caught the snake and placed it in a bag, determined to bring it home to show my sons. To be clear, by “show” I mean cause them to be so enamored with it that my wife would have no recourse but to suddenly allow a writhing reptile, the likes of which she would never normally allow to set…stomach?...in her house, to establish permanent residency. So, as luck (and by luck I mean emotional manipulation) would have it, we now have a small pet snake.

Upon first capturing the beast, it had occurred to me that I should name it. By naming it, I would exert my dominion over it as master. But, a co-worker suggested that allowing my sons to name the snake would be half the fun. It would make them feel like the snake was theirs and that the experience of caring for a pet that they named would feel like real family time.

I felt like a heel for thinking I’d name the snake without them. How inappropriate would it be to show up with an already named animal from off the street? It would be like walking in with some vagrant and introducing him as your family waited for you at the dinner table.

“Hi honey. Hello, boys. This is Arthur. He was holding a sign along the expressway exit that said he was hungry and I thought it a strong coincidence that I was on my way home for dinner. Oh, and he’s going to be staying with us for awhile.”

Well, at least that’s how it suddenly seemed to me, like I would be placing an enormous, completely unexpected burden upon my family.

So, even though I doubted my boys would listen to any of my clever name suggestions, I decided to let them name the snake I was planning on introducing to the household. That’s not to say I didn’t try. Names like Thadeus, Elroy, Hector, Leonard and even cuter names like Sheds and The Incredible Mister Slithers were whispered by yours truly into my sons ears as they thought of what to name it. To my frustration, not a single one stuck.

But at least they were able to have the fun of naming the snake. Besides, now that I look at him, “Snakey” really does fit the little fella.

Favorite Posts About My Dog Day, Part 2


No, You Cannot Have Your Own Flying Poop Factory...Until You're Ten


Pets are a big responsibility. It takes dedication and compassion to care for the life of an animal. Growing up, my family had a lot of different pets. They were mostly small animals because dogs and cats caused allergy issues. We had parakeets, hamsters, fish, turtles, a rabbit, a frog and even a snake at one point. While the pets varied, one thing was consistent. If it was a pet I or my brothers wanted, we had to take care of it. My parents would help to a degree, but there had to be a significant commitment from at least one of us to get the pet in the door.

This is why my sons are not allowed to get the parakeet or hamster they have been asking for. I know who will end up taking take care of it. I have enough trouble finding a matching pair of socks so adding animal turds to my day, despite how small or tightly compacted they might be, is not something I’m prepared for.

Yes, we own a dog. The dog, however, was here before the children, and as far as its “leavings” are concerned, he makes them outside. Do I have to clean it? Of course, but at least it’s not inside my house.

Furthermore, if comparisons to the current pet are to be made, my sons want almost nothing to do with my dog. Every now and then they will play with him, but for the most part, they tell him how badly he smells or how loud he is when he barks. I’ve tried assigning them the responsibility of letting the dog in and out as needed and this is routinely ignored. He will sit by the back door barking that whiny bark that cuts off suddenly almost as if he thinks something is going to slip out if he put too much effort into it. Meanwhile, the boys sit twenty feet away, watching cartoons.

It is beginning to sound like I’m criticizing my kids. I’m not. They say wisdom is knowing your own limitations. I know that I do not want to take care of a small caged animal of any variety at this point. I also know that my sons are not quite old enough to care for an animal on their own. Thus, it is really my own shortcomings that lead me to this decision. I know that I am currently too self-centered to care for another animal.

When I think of owning another pet and what a low level of commitment I would have, all sorts of images go through my head. I can see row after row of tiny twig crosses in the backyard, marking the graves of all the hamsters who had bravely gone before Mr. Nibbles the Fifth. I can imagine falling out of a tree as I attempt to capture the parakeet I let slip out the door and then, years later, swearing that group of bird sitting on the telephone wire looks like a cross between parakeet and pigeon. These same birds would surely have it out for me and would choose my car as the first one to be decorated by their poop. I see having to explain to my boys why their last twelve fish have just been pulled from the drain by the plumber when I told them they had gone to Fishy Heaven.

“Maybe they got lost on their way.”

“Obviously, they were trying to escape. They must have been convict fish. I’ll have to have a talk with the pet store.”

“They must have been bad and this is Fishy Hell.”

See, none of those work.

I’m not the kind of guy who can change his mind about a pet and get rid of it, either. If I found some other sucker…er, nice…person to take the animal off my hands, I would totally project my own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy into the blank expression that it gave me upon my last look at it. I can’t, in good faith, subject an animal to that kind of emotional baggage. And if it were the type of animal that could be released into the wild, images of it getting scooped up by some predator as soon as it was out of my sight would haunt me. I’m fairly certain I’d be wandering through a forest preserve in my pajamas in the middle of the night, lantern in hand, sobbing as I shout, “Slithers! Slithers, come home! I take back everything! I promise three feeder goldfish a day if you’ll just come home!” The bear mauling I would then receive would only serve me right.

You see, it’s really out of concern for the well being of animals in general that I won’t let my kids get another pet. I’m a pet-related accident waiting to happen. I can’t do this to any innocent animals.

I just care so much.

Favorite Posts About My Dog Day, Part 1


Je Suis un Chien. Laissez-Moi la Paix


I talk to my dog. I know everybody who owns a dog, talks to it, but not the way I do. I talk to him like he’s human.

By this, I don’t mean the pandering baby talk that spoiled lap dogs get from their annoying owners (I find the owners of these dogs are usually far more annoying than the tiny, high pitched yapping dogs themselves). “Mr. Barky would like a snack now, wouldn’t he? Wouldn’t he? Of course he would!”

Nor do I mean the way an insane person might talk to a dog and actually expect an answer, or even hear one in their own minds.

I am at once realistic and unsettlingly personable in the way I talk to my dog. I never, ever expect any kind of response in return communication from him. Not even a head tilt of confusion. Yet I speak to him in a manner that would suggest I think he actually understands what I’m saying.

“Oh, I didn’t see you there,” I say to him after I’ve entered and crossed the room and turn to exit again. Having finished what I came into the room to do, I turned and noticed him resting on a pile of dirty clothes.

I acknowledge him in a way suggesting he would understand and appreciate the verbal acknowledgement. I don’t raise my voice or add any over the top inflection like I’m talking to, again, a baby. I respect him too much. He’s been with me almost as long as my wife has and there is a certain dignity I see in that relationship.

Respect and dignity accounted for, I sometimes feel strange when I find myself saying something like, “They won the game last night after all, how about that,” to him during SportsCenter. It’s not a thinking out loud thing, either. This is something I would keep in my head, silent, if I didn't know my dog was in the room with me. It’s like I’m saying it for his benefit, to let him know he’s included. When I do these things, often he barely opens his eyes and looks at me for a second before closing them. I imagine him thinking to himself, “Shut up. I’m sleeping. I’m a dog and don’t give a crap about sports.”

Even my sons know enough to keep their conversation with the dog to commands. “No,” and “Cookie,” and “C’mon,” sum up what they say to him. Anything else is directed at another human in the room, as they know it would be lost on the dog.

Yet still I do it.

I wonder sometimes if it’s an internally imposed comfort mechanism. Saying something to someone I know will not answer or respond in any way, but who will still be there. Or perhaps it’s a repressed dream. My childhood imagination could be nagging at me in the back of my psyche, wanting me to let go enough to entertain the thought that dogs could really be smarter than we think and that he might really understand. Hell, maybe I do hope in some deep inner part of me that he will stand on his hind legs, cross his stubby little forelegs in front of him and say, “I see your point and I’ve been thinking about it for a long time,” as he produces a small doggy pipe from some hidden pocket in his fur and begins to pack it with tobacco. Then we’ll have a long, intelligent conversation about society’s ills.

I must admit, I sometimes feel a small glint of hope that he can at least translate what I’m saying into dog language (what if that weren’t a mix of barks and growls, but French, not that he could speak it, but he thinks in French, how odd would that be?) and I begin to think I see something in his big brown eyes that says, “I hear ya, buddy.” I’d like to think he’d call me buddy, but I think he might be more afraid of me than anything.

More like annoyed. I probably annoy him.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Third Person Thursday (Throwback Edition): The Bird & the Fly


Seeing as the story ideas I currently have milling about in my noggin would take too long to write, I have given myself a much needed break and decided to post an old story in honor of the Major League Baseball postseason.  The reason for my lack of time will be a feature of tomorrow's post.  In the meantime, enjoy:

Most people would have thought they were looking at a cardinal. George knew better.

It had startled George when it landed suddenly no more than ten feet from him but he instinctively held very still in order to observe it. The bird seemed equally startled. It stared sideways and motionless at George as if to say, “Oh my! I didn’t see you there.”

The bird was entirely red, say for its black eyes and dull yellow beak. The color even ran down into its legs before giving way to a grayish brown at its feet. There was no black mask and no pointed crown atop its head. These are the characteristics that allowed George to recognize it as its proper species. It was most definitely not a cardinal. It was a summer tanager.

Having properly classified it, George could appreciate how rare it was to see one this far north, only twenty miles from the Illinois-Wisconsin border, especially in the early spring with the temperature just recently above forty degrees on a consistent basis. Furthermore, the fact that it had come down from the treetops where it usually feeds just to happen to land so close to George was a blessing.This was a truly rare sighting and George found himself wishing he had tucked a notepad into his back pocket before he had ventured out into the field today.

You wouldn’t know it from his quick recognition of the tanager, but George was relatively new to bird watching. In fact, it wasn’t a hobby he had picked up intentionally. Rather, his newest assignment happened to bring him regularly to open grassy areas with nearby trees and it also happened to involve a lot of sitting around and waiting. Being rather susceptible to boredom, after only a few days it became apparent to George that he would need to start doing something to keep his attention.

That’s when he began to notice the birds in the area weren’t just sparrows and robins with the occasional cardinal or blue jay thrown in for color. They were far more diverse than he had previously noticed. Soon, he started making mental notes of what he saw. Then, upon returning home, George would look up his day’s sightings on his computer and was often amazed at the variety of birds he was seeing. He acquired a book detailing the birds of North America that could fit in a pocket and another larger volume that even played audio of the birds’ songs. He kept as accurate a journal as possible regarding times of day, locations and species. George had unexpectedly become a bird watcher.

However, while his passion for birds grew, it sometimes interfered with the task at hand. Yes, his position called for a lot of sitting around and waiting for something to happen, but when something did happen, it required action.

From time to time, George found that said action was required just as he was attempting to pin down the species of blackbird he had spotted. This inattention to duty did not sit well with his supervisor and George had been scolded on a number of occasions already.

But it wasn’t the birds’ fault that George found them so fascinating, so he took the admonishments and went right back to his position each day, hoping not so much to not be distracted from his true assignment, but hoping that his assignment did not distract him from his new found hobby.

They could not fire him, but they could move him somewhere that would require constant attention to detail such that he would never notice a single bird. They could also potentially move him to a place where there would not be any birds to notice. The lush green fields he currently patrolled were ideal, but there were others assigned to locales that were dry and dusty. “What exactly were you doing out there?” his supervisor would ask. “Do I need to move you to keep you paying attention?” George did not want that.

Avoiding such a fate required that George find a balance, which was difficult at first. George barely hung on, performing at a level that kept him just above the point of complete failure, but left scrutiny upon him. What was more painful was that George was absolutely certain he was missing out on some birds.

Yet he stuck with it, assuring himself it was better to fit some bird watching in from time to time than to have none at all. This caused George to take the opportunities he had more seriously. He appreciated them more. He also spent more of his free time researching.

Suddenly, George discovered a breakthrough. The most simple of observations led him to what would be the perfect blend of attention to his assignment and attention to the birds he loved. It was the summer tanager that sat before him and the surprise in its demeanor showing it had uncharacteristically not noticed George before it landed that led to the epiphany.

Most animals, specifically birds, tend to be acutely aware of their surroundings.More often than not, they notice things before humans do. George had heard of numerous accounts of people realizing something wasn’t quite right based solely upon the behavior of animals in the area. By that rationale, should there be an occurrence that required George’s attention and he happened to be observing a bird at the time, the bird would surely react before he would. He could react to the bird’s reaction.

Thus, thought George, the answer lie not in paying less attention to the birds, but in paying closer attention to them. Being keenly aware of the bird’s behavior and mannerisms would give him a sort of precognition.

The opportunity to test his theory arrived shortly. The summer tanager that he watched so intently and who in turn watched George intently (with what George noted as a hint of distrust, if you can pick up on such a thing from a bird), quickly turned its head away from George and took flight in the opposite direction.

Sensing an oncoming threat via the bird, George snapped his attention in the direction that the tanager had flown away from. As it turned out, he did so just in time. Had he not taken the cue from the bird, the baseball hit directly at him would have struck George in the head. Instead, the mitt, raised in nothing more than self-defense, ended up with the ball inside of it.

The parents in the bleachers roared their approval and the rest of George’s team cheered and started heading for the dugout. George followed in a jog and dropped the ball at the pitcher’s mound on the way in.

“Nice catch,” his coach told him. “I didn’t think you were paying attention out there.”

George didn’t respond as the coach patted his head and walked away. He was scanning the treetops out past the fence in right field from where he had just returned. As a slight gust of wind blew and the branches swayed, George saw a tiny but obvious flash of red and smiled.