With this in mind, I thought a good top five list for this week’s features would be top five regular items that could be the center of a new horror movie. I’m getting this out now so that any producers who might be interested could still have time to crank out a movie about it in time for mid-October. If the films being released lately take longer than that to produce, I’d be very surprised.
5 – A Tanning Bed: It would burn its users to a crisp instantly and, true to horror movie format, the evil object is something that one ought to be discouraged from using and suggests poor values, in this case, vanity. It also present the opportunity to use the age-old horror movie technique of showing various scantily clad people being very sexy immediately prior to dying.
4 – An iPad: I’m thinking each app could kill its victims in a different way. I already have a commercial thought out for this one. “iPad is…blood…misery…fear…death.” I’d keep the same upbeat piano music in the background.
3 – Skype: Your webcam slowly sucks out your life force. The image appearing on the video chat screen begins to look like a mummified, zombie version until it’s completely dried up and then your real self follows.
2 – Reality Television: A group of sexy twenty-somethings apply to be contestants on a new reality show, finding out the whole thing is an elaborate set up by a serial killer who picks them off one by one as they would be removed from the show. Sadly, this is the idea most likely to actually be seen within the next few years, either as a horror movie or actual deadly reality show. Did I mention the contestants had to be sexy? That’s very important to the story line.
1 – Blogs: Several insane bloggers figure out some mystical way to use their creations to access or hack the minds of their readers and then stalk unsuspecting victims (who should probably be sexy). They, in turn, use various methods to torture and murder them and blog about it afterwards. What if this blog is one of them?! Too late, you’ve already read too far. I have you now! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa!!!
This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own is an official Calvin & Hobbes t-shirt. Bill Watterson has notoriously refused to allow any marketing of his iconic characters. Since I love his comic strip so much, I have even refused to include a picture in this week’s left hand column out of respect.
This week’s sign you are a nerd is that you refer to Lego sets by their four-digit code from memory. Having to reference a catalog or web site would still mean you are nerdy enough to insist on numerically coded accuracy, but committing the numbers to that number factory that is your mind takes it to a whole other level.
This week’s nemesis is big & tall sections at department stores. Okay, first, let’s be clear and call big what it is: fat. You can find clothing in these sections if you are tall and fat or just fat and not tall, but not if you are tall and not fat. This is extremely biased against tall, non-fat people. While I may be doing everything within my power to fit into both of these categories, I’m not there yet but would still like to find some long sleeved shirts that will fit my Go-Go-Gadget Arms.
This week’s lesson learned is that sorbet is different from sherbet in that sorbet never contains any dairy, while sherbet often contains 1 to 2 percent milkfat. I always knew there was a difference, but never knew what it was. You learn something new every…week.
This week’s equation is:
Where S is Summer, F is Fall, c is color, t is temperature and n is new television shows.
This week’s Star Wars quote is, “Asteroids do not concern me, Admiral.”
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