Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Delayed Features

After a busy weekend with the kids, filled with Autumn activities (there may have been a pumpkin patch, apple orchard and state park involved) something had to be trimmed from my schedule and, like usual, the weekly features suffered as a result.  But two days late is better than never and we start this week's features by anticipating next week's arrival of The Walking Dead: Season 3.  While I think the show has done a pretty good job overall (almost as good as the comic version) there have been a few frustrating portrayals of zombie characteristics that have irked me.  So, the top five list will be the top five errors in zombie portrayal in television and film:

5. How do they not eat one another? - I get that every death of natural causes results in another zombie. I get that they bite the occasional victim who manages to then make good their escape only to be turned over to side of the zombie hordes later.  I get this increases their numbers.  What I don't understand is how, in moments of no other food source, how they just don't start taking bites off one another.

4. Strength - Can a normal human of average strength rip open the torso of another living human and disembowel them?  No.  How then can a half-rotted, muscularly-atrophied walking corpse find the arm strength to do so?

3. Speed - I am going to make a singular, simple bold statement upon which all zombie portrayals should be based: Zombies cannot run!  Everyone knows that the way they catch you is not by chasing you down, but by your allowing yourself to get surrounded or trip over some inevitable obstacle which breaks your leg and immobilizes you.  The following words are acceptable to describe zombie movement: hobbling, limping, lumbering, lurching, shuffling, shambling, stumbling, hobbling, walking.

2. Problem-solving - When a zombie sees you behind a window, it walks head first into that window.  It does not look around for a different way to get in or pick up something to smash the window with.  the only way that window will be broken and the zombie will gain access will be if enough others congest behind it and break the window through sheer pressure of their combined weight against it.

1. Facial expressions - Far too many times I have seen a mindless corpse glance at its potential prey and either narrow its eyes or flash an evil smile.  There should be no emotion whatsoever on the part of any zombie.  No happiness over discovering an unprotected, vulnerable meal, only the instinctive registration of a food source that results in a change of direction at the same speed previously attained toward said food source.  Also, it should be hard to smile when the zombie's lips rotted off weeks ago.

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is a personal drone.  Ever wonder just what your neighbors are up to?  Feel the need to monitor your family members' comings and goings from a great distance away?  Want to take out that annoying group of Jehovah's Witnesses without anyone knowing who did it?  The Predator Drone would be a great solution to your problem.  Too bad the government and military frown on private ownership of such devices.  Narcs.

This week's sign you are a nerd is your propensity to shamelessly participate in children's activities in public places.  Maybe it's building Lego creations at the tiny table, riding the Thomas and Friends train or adjusting the pedal bikes just enough to to accommodate your adult-length legs.  It's great that you're still in touch with the child inside, but wipe that smile off your face and let the eight-year-old patiently waiting in line have a turn.

This week's nemesis is Lego mini-scale sets.  I end up picking up one of these, building it and falling so much in love with the design that I want the full size set.  Alas, the original sets are usually discontinued at that point and I end up with a mini-scale reminder of my lack of foresight.

This week's lesson learned is that kids tend not to get sarcasm.  Your clever attempt to joke with the kids in the back seat of your car in the same way you do with your adult buddies will usually result in your having to take half an hour to console the crying child and explain that you do not hate them.  Tread lightly.

This week's analysis explores the evolution of neurotic-schtick actors:

Finally, this week's Star Wars quote is, "I'm Luke Skywalker.  I'm here to rescue you."

Thanks for reading.

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