Mu(sta)ch(e) to Say About Our Weekly Features

The events of the weekend kept me away from my computer.  Thus, the weekly features had yet to be updated until today.  Better late than never they say.

This week's top five list was inspired by the start of the NFL season in a way.  I attended the Bears/Falcons game on Sunday and anytime I think Bears, I think Mike Ditka.  And anytime I think Ditka, I think mustache.  That led me to make the top five list a list of my favorite mustaches.   Some very respectable mustaches were left off the list (my apologies to Burt Reynolds, Rollie Fingers, Teddy Roosevelt and Yosemite Sam to name a few) but it goes without saying who took the number one spot:

5. Freddie Mercury - Not a overpowering mustache, but it was able to attract attention away from his horrifically massive overbite so it performed its duties admirably.  Of course, the skin tight pants might have helped that as well.

4. Gene Shalit - Intentionally out of control, Gene's mustache reminds me of Chaos Theory, trying to make sense out of the random.

3. Tom Selleck - I list the actors actual name, but this 'stache really belonged to Magnum P.I.  In fact, I bet Tom had to pay royalties to the show's creative license owners for continuing to wear it after the show was over.  That might be the reason why he eventually shaved it.  The fees must have been piling up.

2. Don Mattingly - He, an Yankee's baseball in general, is so inextricably linked to his mustache that when i see pictures of him now without it, I never recognize him.  It was even the subject of a major plot twist in an episode of the Simpsons.  How many mustaches can claim that?  Bring it back, Don.

1. Ditka!

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is one of the giant American flags displayed at this past Sunday's NFL games.  As awesome a patriotic display as they created, they weigh upwards of 800 pounds folded up and would nearly require the space of a two car garage to store.

This week's sign you are a nerd is that you refer to the theme song from The Benny Hill Show by its proper name.  That is, of course, Yakety Sax.  But you already knew that, didn't you?

This week's nemesis is my back.  I can go for months at a time feeling young and spry, then you decide to seize up to spoil my feeling of invincibility and remind me that I am getting old.  A little shock up the spine would be enough to keep me in check, but then you decide to stay tensed up for two weeks like an annoying houseguest just to remind me who is the boss.

This week's lesson learned is that it is safe to assume that anyone who has an open internet browser in front of them did not hear a word you just said.

This week's equation expresses my level of optimism in my team during each week of the NFL season:

My level of optimism (O) can be calculated by taking my team's winning percentage (v subscript h) and adding it to their average margin of victory (m) then dividing that sum by the product of this week's opponent's winning percentage (v subscript o) and the number of injured players on my team (i) then raising that number to the power of last week's results (r) assigning 1 if the previous game was lost and 100 if it was won.

Our Star Wars quote for this week is, "Let the Wookie win."

Thank you, everyone, for reading.  I hope you had a great weekend and that the rest of this week goes just as swimmingly.