Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Back to Weekly Features

It was a busy weekend for us here at Transformer Generation Dad.  Work happened, then happened some more, time got wasted in front of some old video games (and some new ones) and then there was the whole getting the kids ready for school business.  But, at long last we are back from those pesky distractions and prepared to update the weekly features.

This week’s top five list consists of things that make the first day of school more stressful for me than for my sons:

5. Parking – I swear that on the first day of school there are two cars per enrolled child.

4. My snooze alarm – Perhaps the worst possible invention in the history of mankind, it allows one to circumvent a far more useful invention that was purposely devised to get your lazy ass out of bed on time and not make your children late for their first day.

3. Crowds – Braving the masses for a cool event like the premier of The Avengers is one thing, but being cramped up with a bunch of other sweaty people just to take you kid to school causes some serious panic on my part.

2. Flashbacks – All of the uncomfortable and stressful moments from my school career inevitably come rushing back to me on that fateful morning and I find myself trying to impart nuggets of fatherly wisdom on the short drive to school.  “Try your best.  Don’t be afraid to raise your hand if you know the answer.  No trading at lunch.  Stand up to bullies.  You put on some deodorant, right?”

1. Trying to remember other parents’ names – Since the last time I saw them at the beginning of June, so very much information has flown from my head.  I likely remember who their kid is, because of the incessant stories heard from my sons.  It doesn’t matter that I’m pretty sure they don’t remember mine either.  I try to hold myself to a higher standard.

This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own is video footage of yourself on the moon.  To this point, only those able to study diligently and train all their lives to become astronauts like the recently departed great, Neil Armstrong, have had such a privilege.  Sure, one day when the moon is colonized it will be easy to acquire, but with cuts to funding that has probably been pushed outside of your lifetime.

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that you are jealous that your kids get to go back to school.  Admit it, there is part of you that yearns to be a full time student again, to hold the new pencils, peruse the books in the school library, hear a lecture from a teacher, smell that weird sawdust mixture that the sprinkles on the floor when some kid pukes.  It’s your thirst for knowledge…and maybe your desire to avoid your job.

This week’s nemesis is sharpened pencils.  As I sharpened twenty of them and loaded them into my sons’ pencil cases and book bags, I realized they bring out something neurotic in me.  They caused me to become simultaneously concerned that every point would either break in transit or become lodged in the soft tissue of one of my boys’ legs.

This week’s lesson learned is to stick to your established playing on school day rules from the beginning.  If you told your kids no friends over on school nights, make it stick on the very first day.  If you don’t, you might as well scrap the rule for the entire year.  Returning to school gives kids pinpoint laser focus on finding any opportunity to slack off and they will exploit any opening or inconsistency you provide them with.

This week’s analysis examines how much work sucks based on the time of day:

Finally, this week’s Star Wars quote is, “I don’t know what all this trouble is about but I’m sure it must be your fault.”

Thanks for reading.

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