Monday, August 20, 2012

Post-Olympalyptic Features

It is long past due to update the weekly features (which have been anything but weekly…maybe weakly?) and without a running theme to base them all this week, let’s just dive right into them.

Life has its share of embarrassing moments, not the least of which is when you try to let a fart slip out silently and it makes a noise and somebody unexpectedly turns a corner.  You know they heard it and at that moment you have to make a split second decision.  Do you act like it was something else that made the noise or do you own up to it.  Assuming you choose the latter, here are a few one-liners to help defuse the tension of the awkward moment:

5. “No thanks, I had Mexican for lunch.” – Engaging the wronged party in non-existent conversation has a twofold purpose.  It both amuses and confuses them while you make good your escape.

4. “Hope your mouth was closed.” – Both funny and apologetic.

3. “Thar she blows!” – For the literary minded.

2. “What did that a—hole say?” – You may initially resist going blue, but think about it.  You just farted in front of somebody.  All attempts to maintain class have gone out the window.

1. “How do I tell them that because of the unfreezing process I have no inner monologue.” – If you’re lucky and your unsuspecting victim has a well developed sense of humor, they may feed you another line like, “How dare you break wind before me,” at which point you can continue with, “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t know it was your turn.”

This week’s cool ass thing you will never own is The Avengers on Blu-Ray prior to September 25th.  I know, we have been without being able to watch it for weeks now, but hope lies in the distance next month.  And if you need a little something to tide you over until then follow this link to Marvel’s website where they have generously posted five great scenes for your viewing pleasure.

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that you already had all you kids’ school supplies around your house without the need to do any shopping.  You just opened the door to that storage room and picked off the shelves.  By the way, you think you have a few extra pink pearl eraser still in there?

This week’s nemesis is school supply lists.   I have come to seriously doubt that my kids really need all the crap on that list.  I think the teachers just get a kick out of making us perform in a pathetic scavenger hunt.  “This year, let’s make the spiral notebooks three subject and wide ruled.”

This week’s lesson learned is to make your trained wolf sit prior to ascending your tower in Minecraft.  You may be sure footed, but when your loyal canine companion automatically spawns beside you at the top of your lofty precipice, the impending fall (because the hyper bastard will fall) will kill him.

This week’s analysis is self-explanatory and was inspired directly form a song that was inexplicably stuck in my head recently which I hoped to pass on to all of you:

Finally, this week’s Star Wars quote is, “When I left you, I was but the learner.  Now I am the master.”

That’s all for this week.  Stay thirsty, my friends.

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