Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Uniquely Features

I know it’s a few days later than usual, but it’s better to update our weekly features late than never, so here we go.

As I pondered the significance of two types of dogs being represented in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship, I was left pining for more mascot variety. I prefer a mascot that sounds unique and has a back-story. So, I decided to come up with a few college mascots I’d like to see. Here are the top five:

5. Ocelots – Mostly because I like nicknames that start with O, but also because the ocelot, though appearing cute and harmless like a housecat, can be an extremely fierce fighter. There are also too many Tigers and Wildcats for my liking.

4. Samurai – Honor and dedication in battle. What more appropriate virtues can you try to instill in a college athlete.

3. Tauntauns – Ok, the most geeky of the selections by far and George Lucas would most likely give a university a tough time about licensing, but they are fast (look at that stride) and resilient under extreme conditions.

2. Ninjas – The other team would be defeated before they even knew what happened. Plus, I think these might make for the coolest uniforms ever. The fabric should be so dark that you can’t even distinguish the numbers from the rest of the jerseys. Why? Because the numbers don’t matter. The deadly Ninjas move as a single unit and strike with precision.

1. Octopi – Again, I like the O names. Furthermore, I love it when the team name doesn’t end in an s. This nickname also seems to beg for an adjective to be placed in front of it and an especially descriptive one at that. Not something like “Fighting” or “Mighty” but think more like “Enveloping,” “Multi-Apendaged," "Ink-spewing" or even "Vampire.” Now how’s that for intimidation?

This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own is a pet platypus. It would be, or course, infinitely cooler if the platypus was a secret agent who ran off anytime your back was turned in order to defeat the nefarious plans of a bumbling evil genius. However, I suppose just the paradoxical value of owning a duck-billed mammal that lays eggs is cool enough on its own.

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that you know precisely how many calories are in your child’s school lunch. Unless there is a genuine medical reason, just throw sandwich, some veggies and a few cookies in there and let the kid enjoy it in peace.

This week’s nemesis is the plethora of movie channels in my cable package. Because each major premium station has about a dozen different options (East, West, Kids, Action, Comedy, Documentary, Drama, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Dramedy, Bro-mance, Docu-Drama, Action-mance-docu-bro-dramedy) there is constantly some random movie on to distract me. For instance, I am now attempting to both write the weekly features and watch Rowan Atkinson’s epic performance in my favorite wacky comedy from 1997, Bean. How does shooting a peanut out of your nose to change the channel on the television in a bar not get you the Oscar? Show me another actor who can pull that off.

This week’s lesson learned is not to become too excited by the first warm day of the year when you live in the Midwest. While it’s seventy and sunny today, trust it will be windy and below freezing tomorrow.

This week’s equation allows one to determine how long it will take to find all of the Nerf darts around your home:

The time it will take to find them (t) can be calculated by multiplying the number of darts (n) by the rate of fire per minute (r) and the total area of your home (a) divided by the square root of the average height of clearance beneath your home’s furniture in inches (h).

Finally, this week’s Star Wars quote is, “If you choose to face Vader, you will do it alone. I cannot interfere.”

Thanks for reading, everyone, and I’m sorry to have kept you waiting. I ought to know by now that the consequences of keeping my loyal readers from their regular fix of weekly features could be disastrous.

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