Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Nerd for Hire

My job has been mentioned several times before on this blog.  While I have made it clear that I am very appreciative for the money it generates for my family and the life it allows us to live, one with food, shelter, an education for my children and health insurance, it has never been referenced in a positive light.  

My profession is one in which most days are routine.  Nine (if not more) times out of ten my night at work will be simple, though often slightly annoying.  However, the days that are not routine appear unpredictably and when they do appear, they tend to be extremely stressful and even downright dangerous.

Thus, while the safe bet on any given night is that little will happen, the creeping suspicion of the shift from hell is constantly looming in the shadows.  One never completely lets their guard down under such circumstances.  It would, in fact, be unwise to do so as I need to be prepared for the worst at any given moment.  Relaxation or coasting while at work is nearly impossible.

The slow nights can only be deemed slow in hindsight, after the fact that little has happened has been confirmed.  A slow night could become one of those stressful nights in an instant.

Last night was one of those particular nights.  The stress involved was less of a physical kind and more of a psychological and emotional one, but was draining and sobering nonetheless.  I returned home in a bad mood, wishing I had been somewhere far away for the previous ten hours.

I do not mention this to illicit sympathy.  I don't write of it even as a stress release, hoping that seeing my own lament in printed form will prove cathartic and liberating.

Rather, I write about this in hope that an opportunity for a new career might arise.

Are you afraid to do geeky things in the presence of your normal social circle?  Fear no more.  I can provide you with a one man social circle of nerdy, nonjudgmental support so that you can go see that movie that none of your friends want to see without going alone.  Then you'll even have someone to complain to afterwards about all the ways they changed the story from the book.

Need somebody you can call at the drop of a hat to see whether or not a certain toy is suitable for your kids or yourself?  I'm your man.

Have a problem recalling that one word is that means precisely what you're trying to get say?  The word is minutiae.  You're welcome.  I could be whispering suck words to you over your shoulder whenever you need them for the right price.

Companies!  Looking to see if you have a corner on the nerd market.  Let me take a look at your product and I can tell you whether or not I like it.  That's the opinion of at least one nerd under your belt.  It's one more than you already had.

I am hereby offering my services as a professional nerd to anyone willing to pay.  I can't fix your computer.  I can't tutor your high school student in physics.  However, there are plenty of invaluable services I can offer, including...
  • video gaming partner,
  • intellectual discussion moderator and/or participant,
  • Lego set builder,
  • sci-fi movie date (platonic),
  • movie/toy/product reviews,
  • custom short story writer,
  • beer drinking buddy,
  • in-depth Star Wars analysis and detailed explanation of how a particular scene is totally like what just happened to you the other day,
  • costumed sidekick (costume must be pre-approved)
...and much, much more!

The possibilities are endless.  So, if you are in need of a geek's opinion, a nerdy pal to play video games and watch zombie movies with, someone who will get all your Star Wars references during casual conversation and politely laugh at them or a marginally talented fiction writer (see our Third Person Thursday posts for examples) then drop me an email and we can discuss the rates.

I hope to be the first of my kind.  Professional nerd, at your service.

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