Monday, June 11, 2012

New Weekly Features...That's What I'm Afraid Of.

As usual, I am behind on updating the weekly features, so let’s get right into it to make up for lost time and not get all nostalgic and mushy on me, okay?

This week’s top five list is important lessons that dads tend to teach that moms just don’t for some reason:

5. How to sleep in a recliner – Step one: work to the point of exhaustion.  It pretty much handles itself from there.

4. Burping – It needs to come from the diaphragm.  Bass and length are the keys to success.

3. Auto maintenance – Change the oil every three thousand miles and if a light comes on, do not think it will go away eventually.

2. How to throw a ball (not like a girl) – This is especially impressive for dads with daughters out there.

1. How to sound like you know more about sports than you really do – Dads can give you quality stock lines like talking about out kicking the coverage, the growing lack of dominant centers and putting the puck on net to name a few.  This also comes in very handy with item #2 on our list.

This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own in your own clone.  How awesome would it be to have a duplicate of yourself without all the messy details of childbirth to worry about?  Then you could teach them the ways of the Mandalorians and develop the skills of the most feared bounty hunter the galaxy has ever seen.  Just teach them not to get lazy around sarlacc pits.

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that your Father’s Day gift to your dad will require you to set it up for him.  We are always trying to drag the previous generation into the future kicking and screaming.

This week’s nemesis is the so called “legendary” Skylanders.  This game has been out for what, a year?  Let’s hold off on the legendary status.  It makes it seem like the whole thing is just a ploy to get kids to pester their parents into buying them more Skylan…wait a second…

This week’s lesson learned is to wash your hands immediately after baseball practice.  Otherwise, when you take the first bite into that sandwich and happen to notice how dry it is, it will be because of the infield dirt you are ingesting more than the lack of condiments.

This week’s analysis is my reflection on my received Father’s Day gifts to date:

Finally, this week’s Star Wars quote is, “He has too much of his father in him.”

Thanks for reading.  I’ll try to start posting more often in the coming days, but with the pee wee baseball playoffs quickly approaching, I’m not making any promises.

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