Monday, July 16, 2012

July's First Features

Posting has been quite sparse here over the last month.  July has seen perhaps an all time low in regularity of my shared ranting.  After a week out of town, fishing in the north woods, I have decided to finally update the weekly features.  It begins with the top five ways I was able to notice (other than road signs) that I had returned to Illinois…

5. Lack of pine trees – The sprawling groups of tall pines begin to become less sprawling as you come closer to Illinois’ northern border and pretty much disappear by the time to you cross it.  It also gives way to…

4. Flatter terrain – Goodbye scenic bluffs of sandstone and rolling hills, hello boring flat fields of grass.

3. More lanes on the highway – The same interstate opens suddenly from two lanes into four most places and even more once you start reaching the tollbooths, which leads us to my next sign…

2. Tolls – You may have driven for four hundred and fifty miles for nothing more than the cost of your gas, but now the same stretch of road is going to cost you $1.95 every thirty miles or so.  Welcome home.

1. Terrible drivers – You would think that the open lanes and the tolls would combine for better traffic.  On the contrary, the whole slower traffic to the right thing just seems to fly out the window once you cross into my beloved Land of Lincoln (who was born in Kentucky).

This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own in an infinite improbability drive. Road trips would be a breeze when you equip your vehicle with the universe's most powerful device for traveling improbably great distances. The only problem is you might not end up when you were expecting to be, but hey that only adds to the excitement and adventure of your vacation. You'll have stories that will last a lifetime.

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that you have cleared your schedule so that you can spend this entire week prepping for the release of The Dark Knight Rises.  Whether is be making last minute additions to your Batsuit (or Catsuit, ladies) or posting plot predictions to your blog, you have been anticipating the third film since you watched the final scene of The Dark Knight.

This week’s nemesis is adulthood.  The laughter of your children in the next room as they enjoy their summer vacation sounds mocking when it is framed by the thought of all your responsibilities.  And nothing snaps you back to cripplingly depressing reality after a family vacation like the fact that you will have to go to work the next day while your kids play video games.

This week’s lesson learned is that a lit cigar will instantly burn through monofilament fishing line.  Be careful how your hold that thing as you reel in, or at least be sure that it isn’t your lucky lure that you have tied on the other end to help soften the blow as you helplessly watch it sink down into the depths of the lake you’re fishing.

This week’s analysis is a recipe for success…

This week’s Star Wars quote is, “You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done.”

That’s all for now.  Thanks for reading and I hope to post more often from this point on…no promises, though.

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