Weekly Seasonal Features

The holidays are barreling down on us like a Buick towards a doe frozen in headlights.  Yet, despite all the things to be done, I am taking time out of my busy schedule to update the weekly features.  Sure, I may have done a half-assed job on them, but how many weekly features have you written this holiday season?  That's what I thought.


The top five list this week is catalogs which cause me to look at every page...


5. Target - They have a solid toy and electronics section and I even find myself dwelling on the housewares a little longer than I normally would.


4. Toys R Us - The toy catalogs still make Christmas for me.


3. Lego - I don't care if I've already seen all the sets, I like to look at them all again and take note of which sets include which minifigures.  Plus, they have so many specialty items now like the Master Builder Academy sets.


2. Think Geek - Not only do I pore over the product shots on every page, I read the descriptions because, more often than not, they crack me up.


1. Victoria's Secret - For, you know, pajamas...and stuff...for my wife.  What?


This week's cool-ass thing you will never own in a carbonite freezing chamber.  This would come in handy for my week's lesson learned because it would allow you to perfectly freeze food, then store it anywhere.  Say goodbye to that massive chest freezer in your basement or garage, now your meat can be frozen into block form and kept in the attic crawlspace just as easily.  Why bury your pet when you can encase it in carbonite and display it in the living room where it can remain by your side for years to come. Freeze it standing on its hind legs with its paws attempting to shield its face for the extra novelty value.


This week's sign you are a nerd is that your outdoor light display involves computer programming.  It doesn't matter what music you chose to set it to, either.


This week's nemesis is NFL injuries.  In two short weeks, my Bears went from contenders to team teetering on the edge of a high cliff.  The two best (only?) offensive weapons they had are now gone and I fear any chance of a deep run into the postseason, or even a berth for that matter, sat down along with them.  Curse you, fragile nature of human sinew!  Curse you!


This week's lesson learned is that three eighths of a cow makes for a lot of beef.  The freezer is going to need to be cleared out prior to arriving home with all that red meat, not while it sits on your floor unthawing while you try and maneuver around the bags of frozen peas and bulk cartons of sherbet like a strange Tetris level.


This week's equation helps you prepare for the likelihood that your kids might find the presents hidden somewhere in your home.

The likelihood of present discovery (D) can be found by taking the product of the time in days that the presents will remain hidden in your home (T) and multiplying it by the number of times per week that hide and seek is played in your home (h) then adding to that product the average age in years of your children (a) and subtracting the product of the number of kids who still believe in Santa (s) and the number of locations available for present hiding (l) then dividing it all by 100.


This week's Star Wars quote is, "Turn it off!  Turn it off!"


Hope your preparations are going well.  Remember, when you really want to turn and punch the pushy shopper invading your personal space in the face, just stay calm and ram them with your shopping cart instead in a feigned accident.