Monday, September 17, 2012

Remaking Our Weekly Features

I’m a day late, as usual, updating the weekly features so let’s dive right in.

There have been so many unlikely movie remakes lately.  Some reboot, like The Amazing Spider-Man or Clash of the Titans while some seek to fix the mistakes of the first attempt like Total Recall and Dredd 3D.  There are even more currently in the works which seem like curious decisions doomed for disaster like Robocop and Red Dawn.  Since no one in Hollywood wants to listen to our advice to slow down with the rehashing, we have decided to suggest a few more movies that we would like to see reworked.  Here is our top five:

5. Fantastic Four – Forget the orange suit and do for the Thing what The Avengers did for the Hulk, CGI.  Also, let’s get some more intense fight scenes and a real Galactus, not just a dust cloud hovering in space to make Marvel's first family respectable comic heroes again.

4. Demolition Man – The over-scientific, over-regulated future seems to be a hot theme again and maybe you could get Sting to do another title song.  You forgot about that horrible tune until just now, didn’t you?

3. Ghost Rider – Cast someone who is not Nicolas Cage as Johnny Blaze and it’s sure to be better.

2. Masters of the Universe – We’ve watched Transformers, we’ve seen (and hated) G.I. Joe (thus far), so what other classic 80s toy needs a remake film?  He-Man, fools!  The old movie was barely recognizable as being related to the toy line, so this time, whoop it up with the somehow in the future but also in the medieval past dichotomy.  Confuse everyone.  Speaking of confusing everyone, the biggest thing missing that must be added to a new version can be summed up in two words: fuzzy underpants.

1. Weekend at Bernie’s – Want to take an old movie and capitalize on the latest craze?  I’m surprised nobody has thought of this.  Make Bernie a zombie.  Annnnnnnd, action!

This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own is an Xbox with thousands of old video games.  Like I mentioned in my hypothetical post from Friday, this is an urban legend.  It doesn’t really exist.  It cannot be done, thus you will never own one and I certainly never will either.

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that you have already cleared an HD input port on the back of your television in preparation for the Wii U.  I wonder if Mario’s mustache will look better or if it will be gross being able to tell which hairs are actually growing out of his nostrils.  What?  Like you weren’t wondering about it.

This week’s nemesis is the Green Bay Packers.  As I’m sure it will be again many times throughout my life.  This week, however, they had to go and not even allow me a full week to ride high on my team’s Super Bowl hopes.

This week’s lesson learned is that when it comes to retro video games, Play N’ Trade blows GameStop out of the water.  Don’t get me wrong, I am always pleased with both establishments, but up until I needed to get some parts and games for the TGDRGM, I hadn’t realized just how amazingly well stocked Play N’ Trade was.  Of course, when I walked in and bought four retro controllers and four extension cords for them, I probably pretty much wiped out their Midwest regional supply.

This week’s analysis examines upcoming tech purchases:

Finally, this week’s Star Wars quote is, “This R2 unit has a bad motivator.”

Thanks for reading.

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