May This Week's Features Rise Up To Meet You

This week's top five is in honor of St. Patrick's Day: Top Irish Beverages.

Number one is obviously Guinness. It's delicious and nutritious. It's good for what ails you and good for your soul. It makes everyone happier and better looking. Is there anything it can't do?

Jameson's Irish Whiskey takes second place. As far as hard liquor goes, it's smooth.

Bailey's Irish Cream comes in a close third. Mixed with coffee or alone, it's a great drink. The only reason it wasn't in second place was that I don't always feel like having coffee with my alcohol and that's my favorite way to drink it.

Harp is in fourth place. The fact that you can add it to Guinness and make a Half & Half (not to be confused with a Black & Tan, which would use Bass) allows its entry into the top five.

McDonald's Shamrock Shakes are, honestly, not my favorite. Putting them in the top 5 serves two purposes. First, in our consumer culture, around spring time and St. Patrick's Day, you can't help but notice that the Shamrock Shake is back. Second, I wanted to be a smart ass.

This week's sign you are a nerd is that you've uttered the words, "Whoopsie-Daisy!" If you said this instictively at any point in your life, you are a nerd.

The cool-ass thing you will never own is my soul. The guy who bought it had a fancy suit and very very dark hair. Also, I noticed his eyes were black like a shark's. I probably could have gotten more for it, but at the time what I really needed was a sub sandwich. So we traded. I ate the sandwich and he ate my soul.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is this week's nemesis because I am now stuck under it's swirly thumb.

Our Star Wars quote is the cold, patronizing phrase the Emperor says to Luke Skywalker during Episode VI as they watch the impending star battle out the window of the second Death Star.

Last, but not least is this week's lesson. I realize now that it is not will power or any internal struggle that I face that keeps me from being healthy. It is mayonnaise. There is no way around using it. Period.

Regular posts resume tomorrow. Slainte'.