Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Want To Be Cool? Just Act Like Me.

My efforts have met resistance. Recent developments have lead to the discovery that someone other than me has been influencing my sons’ interests. By this, I do not mean my wife. An in-house situation would prove far less complicated to thwart. This influence is from an outside source. I suspect peer pressure.

Of course, I don’t mean peer pressure in the sense that my sons are being pushed to do something irresponsible, immoral or illegal. I’ve just noticed that their friends are starting to guide their interests. Their super hero action figures have sat in the drawer for longer than I’m comfortable with. Instead, things like Pokemon and Bakugan and monster trucks are being played with because that is what their buddies like.

Star Wars, Legos and video games remain near the top of their lists currently, but it is only a matter of time before some new fad hits the shelves and they’re telling me they need it because everybody in their class has it. No doubt, it will be something lame and aggravating. It will probably involve a cartoon with a completely unnecessary narrator seeing as the fast-talking, round-mouthed characters constantly narrate their own actions. It’ll be something which, before you know it, will have its own aisle in Toys R Us or Target and my kids will be telling me the names of all the characters as I stare longingly into the next aisle at the Marvel action figures, where we used to shop together.

I need to reestablish myself as the main influence on their preferences. If I don’t take aggressive steps now, I won’t be prepared to counteract an uprising. I need to come up with a plan.

Stage one will be subliminal persuasion. When they invite friends over, I will make sure a Star Wars movie is playing on every television in the house. Return of the Jedi would probably be best. They’re still young enough to like the Ewoks. Note to self, buy several more copies of Episode VI. Also, I will find the most alluring comic book covers I own and begin leaving them throughout the house in conspicuous places. All other reading material shall be removed to an unreachably high shelf.

Stage two shall extend my reach outside our home. Any invitation to a birthday party will result in that child receiving Lego, Star Wars or Marvel merchandise. What’s that? Billy likes Bakugan? Too bad, he’s getting a seven inch stealth armor Iron Man figure. If other parents are not going to get their kids to play with this stuff, I must inject its influence into their homes myself. I suppose it is my duty, for the greater good of society.

This should lay the foundation of my movement. Stages to follow will include structured playtime. Each guest to our home will be required to select either a Star Wars or Marvel character upon their entry and they will be referred to by that name for the duration of their stay. Furthermore, they will be encouraged to act like their adopted persona. I will provide guidance upon how any specific costumed hero would act in a given situation.

Later, a toy or video game exchange program can be developed. We will loan out games we like and borrow lame ones. Then, these inferior games will just so happen to meet their demise while we are in possession of them. Oops, the dog must have gotten to it. We will then, of course, attempt to replace the item. However, because we won’t be able to find the exact same product, no doubt because its lameness has made it obsolete, we will replace it with two things. One Star Wars item and one Marvel item. You know what? There’s also this Lego set we had lying around. I’d like you to have it. Yes, that will do nicely.

Think they can nudge me out, do they? I’ll show them. Before they know it, they will all be nerds like me.

Insurrection will not be tolerated. The rebellion must be stopped.

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