Sunday, March 7, 2010

Weekly Features - Now Fortified With Extra Nonsense

Time to update our weekly features…

This week's top five is Power Forwards. I think this is the least appreciated position in basketball, but it’s a position that makes all the difference (it’s the only official position in the four major sports to include the word power). Defense, rebounding and fundamentals are necessary from “the 4 spot” and if you can find a power forward that can score as well, you have something special. These picks go with my feelings as much as statistics. Deal with it:

1 – Karl Malone. There were accusations of cheap shots and him being kind of a jerk to other players, but you can’t argue with his stats. "Karl with a K" is the second leading scorer of all time, behind only Kareem. He and John Stockton took the pick-and-roll to the level of an art form. He was a big body who would dominate the boards when he needed to and could score at will.

2 – Charles Barkley. “The Round Mound of Rebound” was one of my favorite players to watch of all time, not just as power forwards go. Another guy who could score at will when needed, and he played his best angry, which just seems to really fit the power forward position. Also, you’d get some great post game quotes from "Sir Charles". His recent Taco Bell commercials are probably the only reason I didn’t put him in first.

3 – Tim Duncan. Despite my wanting to stick with players from the 80s and early 90s (when the game was still great) I have to include some current players. Tim Duncan is an outstanding power forward. You want to talk fundamentals? You could probably run a clinic based entirely on game film of this guy. And multiple championships. I think of Duncan more as a center, but he’s played power forward his whole career, so he wins spot 3 on a technicality.

4 – Kevin Garnett. Easily the most versatile power forward I’ve ever seen. He can post up and hurt you just as easily as he can put the ball on the floor. He can dominate not just a game, but he’s shown the ability to put an entire team on his shoulders and carry them through a season. Remember he was with the Timberwolves.

5 – Kevin McHale. I’m saddened that McHale is this far down, because despite his ranking, he is the first guy I think of when I think power forward. He played the game in the block, where it’s meant to be. His footwork was impeccable. He won multiple championships. He has a good rep as a GM. He has really broad pointy shoulders, the likes of which can only be rivaled by Larry King.

Moving on, I must address our new features. They are pretty self-contained on the left side and don’t need much of a further explanation here, but I’ll list them just to make sure you notice they are new:

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that you remember your ACT or SAT score, precisely.

Our nemesis for the week is the modern toy packaging that leaves us wanting to smash it over our knee and then hand the kid the pieces, saying, “There, happy now?”

This week’s lesson learned is to trust your gut when it comes to children’s guts. If the kid’s turning green, get him into the bathroom or get a bucket ready. Best to assume something’s coming up.

Our new Star Wars quote for the week is a classic Darth Vader line from Episode IV.

And, last but not least, my favorite new weekly feature is a picture of a cool-ass thing you will never own. This week it is the original Boba Fett, rocket firing action figure. Kenner discontinued it because the rocket was dangerous. I guess it must have actually exploded or something. Anyway, God knows how many innocent people died at the hands of this maniacal toy, but it’s cool as hell and hardly any exist. My not-very-extensive internet research revealed more than one claim that it was valued at over $100,000. If you can afford this and would spend this much money on it, I take off my hat to you, so that I can cover my face with it to prevent you from seeing me laugh at your expense (although, surely, expense means nothing to you).

That’s all for this week. As usual, regular posts resume tomorrow. Just this quick segue into a closing line. Karl Malone (mentioned earlier, remember? Were you even reading?!) was a big fan of semi trucks. Owned tons of them. Loved driving them. Random, right?

Anyway, keep truckin’.

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