Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Nuh-uh! I Shot you First! Plus, I Called Time Out.

The time I would normally spend writing an entry has been occupied as I play host to several first graders and kindergarteners…kindergardians?…kindermen?…kinder-people?

While the sound of children’s laughter as they run through the house does my heart good, it doesn’t exactly create the best writing environment. It does, however, spark some hilarious conversations which I’ve had the pleasure of overhearing for the last few hours.

I was asked, “Is that Justin Bieber on your coffee mug?”

“No, buddy,” I sighed in response, my heart broken, “it’s the Beatles.”

An epic lightsaber battle resulted in one combatant having his rear end chopped off. “Now it got replaced with a robot butt and I can fart lasers,” he announced triumphantly. I actually taught them this one a few weeks ago. I’m proud of their memory retention.

Regardless of the eventual devolvement into toilet humor that every activity results in (ah, life with boys) I’m impressed with all the participants’ ability to adapt their arsenals. I wish I were still so imaginative. Major setbacks are overcome by immediately inventing a new loophole.

You chopped off my arm? Good thing my partner here just happened to bring his syringe full of new limb serum. A quick injection and I’m back in the game. Or perhaps I’ll just replace it with the giant plasma cannon I had in my bag. KABOOM! Now you’re dead, how do you like that?

Well, you may think I’m dead, but the joke is on you. That was actually just a clone and the real me was behind you. I just shot off your new arm, your other arm, both your legs, AND your robot butt. Check and mate. Tell me where the rebel base is and I might just let you live as part of my traveling freak show, stubby.

Ok, but what you don’t know is that I’m part lizard and my arms, legs and butt will grow back when you least expect it. Then, I’ll summon my teammates and we’ll ambush you during the night while you sleep. Wait, that’ll take to long. Instead, I’ll use my Jedi powers of telekinesis to levitate my lightsaber and still chop your head off.

Of course, there was a lot more name calling, accusations of cheating and threats of snitching involved, but you get the picture. These things delayed the action for only seconds before the chasing resumed. Their bodies and minds simultaneously pinballing from room to room and thought to thought.

I just had to stop writing this and go ask the group a question.

“Has anyone been murdered up here?”

“No,” they all respond in unison, like it’s the most normal thing they’ve ever been asked.

“Okay, because that’s exactly what it sounded like.”

“Nobody’s dead.”

Such nice boys, to reassure the old man.

Anyway, where was I? No, those juice boxes are for lunches. Wait, no, that wasn’t supposed to be directed at you. I wanted to tell you to clean up after your friends went…crap.

“Hold on, I’m on the phone!”

Now I’m typing what I say. Sorry.

You know what? I’m just going to stop now and get back to normal tomorrow, if I survive until then. I don't know if that was a Nerf gun or my power drill that they just walked through here with. I gotta go.

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