Monday, July 25, 2011

Weekly (adj.) Features (n., pl.)

It’s time to update the weekly features just as we try to do every Sunday, or Monday when we don’t get around to it Sunday, so let’s start the way we always do, with this week’s top five list. This week, the list consists of Transformer Generation Dad’s favorite Schoolhouse Rock songs:

5. Preamble – Any song that can take the words of the Constitution and make them into a memorable song is awesome.

4. I’m Just a Bill – The song and story of this episode wasn’t necessarily my favorite, but it is definitely the most recognizable of the songs performed by Jack Sheldon, whose voice became a steady and memorable portion of the show.

3. Conjunction Junction – Another great one performed by Sheldon and I am always partial to the Grammar Rock portion of the show.

2. Three Is a Magic Number – This was the first Schoolhouse Rock song ever. The trailblazer deserves recognition.

1. Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your Adverbs Here – I absolutely (adv.) love how the technical aspects of adverbs are so very (modifier) accurately (adv.) explained via song. The spoken parts and the fact that it’s done as a commercial also make it exceedingly (adv.) awesome. To top it off, it is the only song I know of that mentions nut gathering.

This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own is physical evidence of the Loch Ness Monster, which is a shame because it would provide you not only with fame and fortune, but would ensure that you never have to pay entrance to a sci-fi or comic convention for the rest of your life.

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that people avoid sitting next to you during movie screenings. It’s not because you look creepy or smell, but because the person avoiding you isn’t interested in having the historical background of the minor detail just featured in the scene whispered excitedly (adv.) to them. All discussion of the film’s references should be held until the end.

This week’s nemesis is cheese curds. If you aren’t meant to eat an entire bag in one sitting then they shouldn’t be bite size. Furthermore, I think that the consumption of cheese that has not been allowed to fully (adv.) mature is barbaric. This is the dairy world’s equivalent of veal.

This week’s lesson learned is to regularly (adv.) reapply sunscreen. I always suspected that it was the same routine as shampoo, which obviously (adv.) just tells you to “repeat” because the politically (adv.) heavy lobbyists in the shampoo industry want you to run out faster and have to buy more. Sneaky bastards. Turns out one application legitimately (adv.) does not create a lifetime barrier between you and the sun’s rays and you will burn if you don’t keep refreshing your layer of UV protection. Who knew?

This week’s equation is my latest effort to save time and resources by combining two nearly identical things into one:

This week’s Star Wars quote is, “Right now I feel like I could take on the whole Empire by myself.”

And that concludes our weekly features. Thank you for reading.

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