Monday, November 14, 2011

It's Hard to Hold a Candle to These Cold November Weekly Features

Day late weekly features sound good to anyone else?  Then let us not wait any longer.

As the weather turns sporadically cold enough to keep my sons and their visiting friends from being banished outdoors without guilt over their frozen extremities, my patience with them runs increasingly thinner.  This week's top five list details the top five reasons I will yell at someone else's kid:

5. Swearing - If they are going to do it, they should at least learn the art of discretion and not do it within earshot of an adult.  This is really a skill set I am helping them develop.

4. Hitting - I don't care how many times the one losing the game hits the reset button.  Just stop playing with him then and keep your hands to yourself.

3. Touching my television - That flatscreen has been painstakingly mounted on that wall for years and I'll be damned if some little punk is going to do anything to change that.  Put your grubby little mitts on the remote all you want.  You have no reason to touch my baby.

2. Talking during the Bears game - Show some reverence for Pete's sake!

1. Calling time out just before getting tagged - I'll let you stomp around the house chasing each other all you want.  Even when the occasional thing gets knocked over, I won't Hulk out.  But when the pursuing child (aka "It") is about to tag you, you can't suddenly call time out.  That's dirty pool and something I just cannot abide.

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is evidence of Bigfoot.  Sasquatch, Yeti, North American Man-Ape, call it what you will, if the thing does exist (cough) (cough) it doesn't (cough) and it has escaped undeniable detection for all these years, you are not going to be the one to crack the case, Sherlock.

This week's sign you are a nerd is your ability to recite a Monty Python sketch word for word, start to finish.  Yes, they are classics and I appreciate the chief weapon of surprise employed by the Spanish Inquisition as much as the next guy as well as the fear...fear and surprise, the two weapons of the Spanish Inquisition and ruthless efficiency...three, the three weapons of surprise, fear, ruthless efficiency and almost fanatical devotion to the the things I appreciate are...well, you get the picture.

This week's nemesis is November rain.  By this I mean the cold, biting precipitation that makes fall feel more like winter and causes one to actually hope instead for snow, not the epic rock ballad by Guns n' Roses.  Come to think of it, the song, November Rain got my hopes up that GNR would be around for years, cranking out album after album, just to leave me cold and disappointed when they broke up a short time later.  Sure there was another crappier album in there, but Axl, Slash and the boys never kept the promise of the potential they held and instead burned out like so many rock bands before them.  So I guess you could also consider November Rain the song to be my nemesis after all.

This week's lesson learned is to keep the giant tub of Halloween candy somewhere other than the room where your kids play all the time.  Just when you think you've sent them off somewhere to blow off some steam and stay out of your hair, they return with a raging sugar rush, followed by the even more cataclysmic crash, which results in your kids crying and saying that they hate you as you try to tuck them into bed.  Little angels.

This week's equation is self-explanatory:

This week's Star Wars quote is, "Good shot, Jansen!"

That's all for now.  I hope to catch up on some posting over the next few days, but the weekly features should tide you over until then.

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