Sunday, November 6, 2011

Questionable Weekly features

This generation's children have access to an unprecedented amount of information regarding matters which were dark chasms of unanswered questions during my childhood.  We have seen light years out into space.  Medical breakthroughs occur on a near daily basis.

Perhaps most importantly, today's youth have and incredible amount of insight into the origins of one of the most iconic, mystery-shrouded characters of eighties pop culture.  I speak, of course, of Boba Fett.  There was so much I didn't know about the galaxy's most notorious bounty hunter that my sons have the privilege of knowing.

This week's top five list is dedicated to this subject.  It is the top five things I wondered about Boba Fett throughout my childhood, many of which I still do:

5. Is he horribly disfigured beneath his helmet?  Little did I know that he was merely an unaltered version of every single storm trooper.  It explain why the rest of the Galactic Empire's army grunts never removed their helmets either.

4. Was he friends with Jabba the Hutt?  He hung around for an awfully long time after delivering the carbonite encased Han Solo.  Maybe could never find that time to say, "Alright, Jabba, I'd better get on to my next bounty," without it being awkward.  But speaking of awkward, he certainly didn't seem to be enjoying himself on the sail barge, so why stick around?  I don't think he ever put his gun down, which brings me to my next question...

3. Did he ever put that gun down?  I get that he was a trained assassin and probably had to constantly look over his shoulder and everything, but he couldn't even set the thing down and enjoy a beverage during the ride to the Great Pit of Carkoon.  I know he had to be hot in that armor, unless the Mandalorians are far better with fabric than I thought.

2. How did he come up with that name for his ship?  Slave I suggests some sort of story in old Boba's past.  Honestly, without a pretty traumatic background story to explain it, the name always seemed eff-ed up to me.

1. Had he ever used that jet pack before?  He certainly was not the picture of grace that one would expect from a seasoned rocket pack propelled pilot.  His father was obviously far more experienced.  I also wonder if he knew anything about remedial jet pack maintenance seeing as a single blow from a metal pole caused a major malfunction.

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is a Dejarik table.  I would personally love to have one in the rear passenger area of the minivan.  The strategy aspect would help the kids learn about combat and the pieces ripping one another in half would keep their interest.

This week's sign you are a nerd is that you refuse to play Words With Friends because the game board differs from Scrabble.  The app is obviously a rip off of the classic game, but lighten up and don't be such a traditionalist.

This week's nemesis is Daylight Savings Time.  I don't know about you, but I would much rather have that extra hour of sunlight come at the end of the day.  It was great in the nineteenth century when people were waking up at the crack of dawn and needed to do work by candlelight, but we've come a long way. Maybe we should bring back leeches and blood-letting to the field of medicine.

This week's lesson learned is that fake cobwebs are even more difficult to take down than they are to put up.  It's like a really annoying, stretched out form of velcro.  I think I'll be finding pieces of it in the front garden for a few years.

This week's equation is:

The time it will take you to finish all of the Halloween candy your kids dragged into your home in days (T) can be found by taking the total volume of candy in pieces (v) then subtracting the product of the number of residents in your home (r) and the number of pieces each person will eat per day (p) plus the number of co-workers with no kids you have to pawn some of the candy off on (c), all times your level of opposition, on a 0-10 scale, to just throw the candy in the garbage (g), 0 being completely willing, 10 being entirely against it.

This week's Star Wars quote is, "Wars not make one great."

That's all for this week's features.  Thank you all for reading.  please come back regularly.

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