Ringing in New Weekly Features

Welcome one and all to our traditional weekly features post. I say this because we have a new group of Facebook followers whom I want to welcome. Hopefully they actually read the blog that they have claimed to "like." If they don't, then they are phonies. Yes, I'm talking to you! You big fat phony!

With the new Green Lantern movie coming out this Friday, I'm nervous again as i was regarding Thor that one of the superheroes I always liked might be made into a mockery on the big screen. While fears were calmed with the Asgardian story, I must remind myself that for every success, there is a box office flop. So our top five list ranks the top five most awful superhero films according to my opinion:

5. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - All that keeps this from being the worst is the sequence during which the Human Torch chases down the Surfer in order to find out exactly what he is. That part was awesome, but it was also the entire teaser trailer. This movie had the Silver Surfer, one of the most powerful superheroes of all time and Gallactus, a villain just loaded with special effects potential, and it completely whiffed on both of them. A dust cloud? Granted a big white dude in a purple outfit may not have translated well, but instead you made Gallactus a dust cloud? That's not even trying.

4. Batman and Robin - Two words: Batsuit nipples. Or should that be three words: Bat Suit nipples? Regardless, it sucked.

3. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace - At ten years old, I recall this as one of the first movies I ever watched that took something that was supposed to be awesome and made it preachy. In my opinion, this film opened the door for Happy Feet and other similar movies that make entertainment into a way to feel bad about ourselves. It also killed the Superman franchise for me in a way that only casting Nicolas Cage as Superman could have (does anyone remember that this almost happened?). Further disaster points go to the use of the Statue of Liberty. So wait, is it New York or Metropolis?

2. Ghost Rider - This wasn't a tough one. It should have just been action sequence after special effects action sequence. Instead, it was really cheesy dialogue from Nicolas Cage since this movie lacked the foresight to cancel production before filming.

1. Catwoman - Never watched it all the way through. Completely screwed up the story of Catwoman, was an obvious vehicle to try and display Halle Berry's body (as if that had never been done) and the special effects were so terrible that the Kraken from the 1981 version of Clash of the Titans looked more realistic than the scenes of Catwoman flipping acrobatically through the city.

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is the main item from the movie on my mind: The Green Lantern's Power Ring. As much as you may want to join the Lantern Corps and generate solid light creations at your slightest whim, it cannot be bought and must be bestowed upon you. Don't be insulted. As hard as it may be to believe, even I don't have what it takes.

This week's sign you are a nerd is that you know exactly how much space you have available on your 1TB hard drive. That is down to the bytes and you can recite this number at a moment's notice.

This week's nemesis is anyone who insists I have to see this video on YouTube. People getting hit in the crotch are funny, kittens are very cute and the randomness of videos such as Chocolate Rain tickle me with bewilderment, but I did just fine before everybody streamed everything they did to the entire world and even before America's Funniest Home Videos for that matter. Come up with a topic of conversation that does not rely on some sort of audio/visual assistance to get your point across. I will give YouTube credit, however for not subjecting us to terrible Bob Saget jokes before every video.

This week's lesson learned is to avoid serving your kids dessert often enough to allow them to think it's a given. "Dad, what's for dessert?" is not a fun question to get when you've already sat down with a beer. It's even worse after they've already brushed their teeth. Should they then whine when told there is none with the righteous indignation of entitlement, you may just lose it. I'm just guessing on all of this, of course.

This week's equation serves as a reminder that a good cup of coffee takes time:

Here we see the inverse relationship between the quality of a cup of coffee in percentage points (Q) and the convenience with which it is made on a scale from one to one hundred (c), one hundred being the most convenient.

This week's Star Wars quote is: "The son of Skywalker must not become a Jedi."

Last week's poll resulted in you all deciding that the Batman movies were the best superhero movie series. Apparently The Dark Knight made up for all the damage Joel Shumacher inflicted after all. This week, I wonder which comic strip you miss the most between my two favorite. Is it Calvin & Hobbes or The Far Side?

That's all for now. Hope you had a great weekend. Check back for a regular post tomorrow.