Monday, June 6, 2011

Weekly Features That Will...Oh, Let's Just Get On With It.

In order to avoid being even later than usual with the weekly features update, I'm just going to get right into it, starting with out top five list for the week: Marvel superhero role models:

5. Professor Xavier - An intelligent man and mentor to troubled, exiled youth who really need guidance. Sometimes come off as a bit holier than thou to me however.

4. Dr. Strange - Once a medicinal healer, now more of a spiritual one. He refuses to use his abilities in any way that might be questionable.

3. The Invisible Woman - The most powerful member of the Fantastic Four, Susan Storm still puts a priority on being a mother and wife. That's hard to do when constantly traveling through space and time to various alternate dimensions. We could all learn something about time management from her.

2. Spider-Man - One of the most important things about Peter Parker's character is that he's just a normal kid...with web-shooters, wall-crawling ability, the proportional strength of a spider and...ok, he still tries to lead the life of a normal kid. He keeps it simple. He decides within any given moment what is right or wrong. What would Spider-Man do?

1. Captain America - Again, a man who does what is right just because it's right. For Cap the line between right and wrong is well defined. The reason he beats out Spider-Man, however, is his skill as a natural leader. Steve Rogers (not Bucky, just so we're clear) inspired the men around him to fight harder and always had time to help them better themselves.

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is unbreakable skin, like Luke Cage and the hero of our previous story, Exceptional. It would be great to have particularly this time of year with all the mosquitoes around.

This week's sign you are a nerd is that you have a shelf somewhere in your home dedicated solely to the display of action figures, Lego sets, or some other variety comic book, science fiction or fantasy memorabilia. Throwing a picture of your spouse or kids on there doesn't change anything. If the purpose of the shelf is to display the figures and what not, you are a nerd.

This week's nemesis is weeds. If trees or any other useful plant grew at the alarming rate of the weeds that continue to return in my front garden, there would be absolutely no threat to the rain forests. In fact, people would be encouraged to cut them down like they are to hunt deer to prevent overpopulation.

This week's lesson learned is to make sure that you just grabbed the carton of cream to pour into your coffee and not the carton of egg whites. For one, the egg whites are far more expensive and then you end up wasting both coffee and egg whites. Most importantly, in your pre-caffeinated state, you may not notice what you've just done and you will thus end up consuming some awfully nasty coffee.

This week's equation is:

Is this equation, we can calculate the total mass of gunk that will end up on your bathroom mirror in grams (m) by multiplying the sum of the number of times you eat popcorn per week (p) and the number of times you eat broccoli per week (b) with the elapsed time in days since you last flossed (t) all divided by the distance you stand from the mirror while flossing in feet (d).

Last week, you all decided that unicorns either poop rainbows or regular old poop (my top two choices as well). This week, I will acknowledge the fact that I am completely obsessed with the number of superhero movies coming out this summer. It used to be that there was one superhero movie per summer at most, but developments in CGI technology over the last dozen years or so have made it much easier to bring those once stuck in comic books to life. Thus, I ask this week in our poll question which superhero has had the best catalog of films up to this point. Your choices are: Batman, Iron Man, Spider-Man or Superman. Tough choices, I know, but remember to allow the bad with the good. The 1960's Adam West Batman movie should be included as should the Joel Shumacher Batman films with the nipples on the Bat-suit. Choose wisely.

Finally, this week's Star Wars quote is: "Always two there are, no more, no less. A master and an apprentice."

Thanks for reading. Now I'm off to try and watch the Godfather while my kids are sleeping.

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