Monday, February 13, 2012

Some Lovely Weekly Features

With Valentine’s Day sneaking up on all of us, the weekly features have a hint of love injected into them (which doesn’t sound right).  The top five list for this week is geeky ways to say, “I love you.”

5. “You are the Leia to my Han.”

4. “I wouldn’t even think of Force-choking you to near death.”

3. “As you wish.”

2. “I will never reveal that you are really an android.”

1. “jlH muSHa’ SoH” (yes, that’s Klingon)

This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own is your lover’s heart.  Metaphorically, sure, but literally, in a cooler, or even more badass a small treasure chest where it continues to beat, not going to happen.

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that all your Valentine’s Day cards have anatomically correct hearts on them.  None of that cutesy crap for you.  The way you truly express that you care for someone is to convey excruciating detail on your love notes, ventricles, vena cava, septum and all.

This week’s nemesis is Old Navy.  My kids are growing at the speed of light, so cheap uniform pants that I know damn well they will grow out of work for me.  However, four pairs of pants all ending up with large holes in them after being worn no more than three times each is just shoddy craftsmanship.  This is your warning, Old Navy: get those kids in whatever third world country your products are being manufactured in to shape up or we will be taking our business elsewhere.

This week, the lesson I learned was that Netflix is a good way to burn out on a television series pretty quickly.  There’s more than one reason why these episodes have a week between airings.  One needs time to decompress and not be annoyed by the characters before allowing the story to move forward.

This week, one of our old features is being revamped.  Instead of an equation every week, we are going to begin including graphs, charts and assorted other methods of statistical representation.  From now on, think of it as weekly analysis.  It begins this week with a graph expressing how one’s expression of love is altered by the time left with which to prepare it:

Finally, this week’s Star Wars quote is the greatest response to the phrase, “I love you,” ever uttered: “I know.”

Thanks for reading and Happy Valentine’s Day.

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