Here Are This Week's Features, Everybunny

Happy Easter! Let’s just get right into this week’s Easter-themed features, shall we?

Our top five for this week is top five Easter candies:

5. Peeps – While I personally don’t like these things, their appearance in stores is an unmistakable sign that Easter is near. And, I suppose they’re kind of cute. There, I said it.

4. Jelly Beans – Whether Jelly Belly, Starburst or any other brand, jelly beans have been a staple of the Easter diet. Plus, they fill in the spaces of an Easter basket even better than that plastic grass.

3. Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs – Okay, so they’re just a peanut butter cup with a different shape. Still awesome.

2. Cadbury Creme Eggs – Available only in the weeks surrounding Easter, this is the candy equivalent of the McRib. Each year, I try to stuff myself with them before they’re gone. If I can consume enough to make myself barf then I don’t miss them as badly for a whole year.

1. Choclate Bunny – The brand here doesn’t matter, much like the jelly beans. As long as it is a solid (I’ve seen hollow ones – a sin) milk chocolate (I don’t care how much better dark chocolate is for you) rabbit shaped hunk of chocolate, there’s no better edible item that can be found in an Easter basket.

This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own is the Holy Grail. I don’t mean the Monty Python movie, you ninny. You probably already own that and have all the lines memorized. I mean the real thing. Sure, you already know how to find it, pass all the trials to get to it and what it looks like thanks to the Last Crusade of everybody’s favorite archeologist, Indiana Jones (not Paul Sereno, sorry Paul). However, if you remember correctly, the grail was lost in a large crack as the cave it was kept in began to collapse. Even Indiana barely escaped with his life, though the temptation to risk it all for the possession of the grail was great. Anyway, it would be cool as hell to drink coffee out of that bad boy in the mornings, wouldn’t it? “This old thing? It belonged to a carpenter friend of mine. Yeah, that’s him, Jesus. You knew him too? Small world.”

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that you refuse to start eating a chocolate bunny at the head. You might take off the ears first, but some weird part of you wants to start at the legs or rump. There’s something about biting the head off an animal, even one made of chocolate that doesn’t sit right with you.

This week’s nemesis is April showers. The temperature is up, I want to get outside and enjoy myself without getting wet. I know they bring May flowers, but I wouldn’t be broken up about delaying those flowers to early June if it meant spreading out that rainfall a little.

This week’s lesson learned is that the Easter Bunny is apparently female. I had no idea. My seven-year-old, however, repeatedly and decidedly used the pronoun she when talking about the Easter Bunny. Not sure where he got this information, but then again, I’m not sure what made me believe the Easter Bunny was male all these years.

Last but not least, this week’s Star Wars quote has to do with resurrection. It is Obi-Wan’s final warning to Darth Vader: “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.”

Again, Happy Easter! Hope everyone has a great day and you find everything you were hoping for and more in your baskets. Heck, I just hope you actually find your basket. That rascally rabbit really knows how to hide things. And I hope you find all the eggs. Make sure you count the eggs. Yuck!