What The @#*!, You Call These Weekly Features?!

This week's top 5 list is swear words my boys have uttered:

5. Stupid - It doesn't matter whether this is really a swear word or not. They think it is. plus, they gasp and go, "Awwwwww," when they hear me say it, so it counts.

4. Hell - I'v explained to them that this word is perfectly acceptable when used in the context of a religious discussion of the afterlife. My oldest made another acceptable time to say this that I couldn;t help but agree with. When he was about four, we were on vacation and he saw a rather shocking tourist attraction. He said, "What the Hell?!" for which I immediately scolded him. He then explained, "Daddy, when you see something like that, you just gotta say what the Hell." I couldn;t argue with that.

3. Dammit - This was probably one of their first, said during a moment of frustration I can't recall the specifics of.

2. A**hole - Yes, I'm beginning to censor them. This was uttered recently by my five-year-old, who said it in order to explain why another kid in his class was bad. No, this isn't what he called him, but he said the boy said, "the worst swear word ever." I made the mistake of asking what it was and this was the answer.

1. Sh** - I overheard this in the other room just the other day. It immediately followed the sound effects that indicate Mario has met his demise. It was said by my five-year-old and I had to give him credit for the circumstances it was used it and how matter of fact he sounded upon saying it. If you're going to say it, say it like a pro, that's my motto.

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is your own brewery. Ok, let's make it, a good brewery. Maybe you've brewed your own beer before from one of those crappy kits you stick in the fridge or whatever, but You're not going to be mass producing a quality product anytime soon. Unless, of course, you are my hero, Jake Leinenkugel. Jake, if you're reading, keep doing what you're doing.

This week's sign you are a nerd is that you think benching a player on your fantasy baseball team is going to affect his performance. I know you have a lot of pride in your team and you have won your league three years running, but write down what it is your playing: Fantasy Baseball. Good, now underline and highlight the word Fantasy and carry that sheet of paper with you at all times. When you start to get agitated and yell at a player through your TV, take it out.

This week's nemesis is the tilt of the Earth. Because you just can't keep yourself still, when I get busy and don't remember that the days are slowly getting longer, I look up from what I'm doing, thinking, it's still light out, I have time. Then, I suddenly realize I only have ten minutes to feed my sons, give them baths and get them to sleep.

This week's lesson learned is that t-ball is a big commitment. I knew they would have a lot of practices and games, but I had no idea I'd be spending a few hours a day being asked, "Am I next? Can I go next? I want to be next. Can I go next?" or that I'd be returning home covered in a thin film of infiled dirt.

And, this week's Star Wars quote is actually a brief exchange from Episode III:
Supreme Chancellor Palpatine: "Are you going to kill me?"
Anakin Skywalker: "I would really like to!"

I'm hoping to keep this up every day like I have so far, and knowing people are reading helps, so a big thank you to everybody who reads this.