I've Suffered Minus Nine Dexterity

My house has a lot of stairs in it. This creates multiple separate levels, allowing various members of my family and I to get out of each other’s hair if need be and leaves more backyard space. When you regularly forget what it is you went down to the basement for and always seem to remember when you’re up on the second floor, however, those stairs serve as a constant reminder of how out of shape you are.

While I’m getting older (does everybody have that problem?), I’m not old, meaning I shouldn’t feel this out of shape yet. Plus, I used to be athletic. I enjoyed sports. I will even toot my own horn by saying I don’t think I was the least talented guy on a court or field very often, if at all. This makes my current pathetic state all the more depressing. I sometimes think about the fact that I used to be able to dunk a basketball. To answer your first question: yes, on a ten foot rim. To answer your second: just using my legs. When I compare this to my need to sit down and breathe after carrying a hamper full of laundry to the basement, I want to cry. In fact, I have cried over it a handful of times. I’m secure enough in my manhood to admit this.

All this may seem bad, but here’s where I tell you the part I’m most ashamed of. Get ready for it. I have a gym membership. I got a great deal of use out of it at one point. I was working out three times a week. I was at the gym so often, in fact, that my sons were able to anticipate which days they would be going with me and get to use the play room there. Alas, the last year and a half has seen me beset with injury after injury and I haven’t been able to get back in the routine.

Of course these excuses are just that; excuses. You know what they say about excuses, don’t you? They are like…well, they stink, basically. I don’t want to be too vulgar. Besides, while these excuses might have legitimately removed me from the gym, they haven’t prevented me from going back. What’s prevented me from going back is my run in with an old flame. While some people might want to get into better shape to impress someone they used to have a love affair with, my returned ex appreciates me with a few extra pounds, acne, and a complexion that oozes sunlight deprivation. I speak, of course, of video games.

Having owned an Xbox 360 for less than a year, much of my spare time is taken up trying to complete Bioshock and Mass Effect so that I can get on to Bioshock 2 and Mass Effect 2. Yes, I’m one of those guys who must play the video games in order. I think I see the potential for a sign you are a nerd there (see left hand column). Also, I’ve been trying to write a lot, if that’s what you call what I’m doing here. Then there is my marriage and these two people we have living with us who seem to rely on me and my wife for almost everything. While I’m sometimes able to multi-task, handling the kids and video games at the same time, this leaves little time for a consistent workout regimen.

I’ve considered combining video games and working out. I own Wii Fit along with the balance board. There are a lot of yoga poses on there. After all, as I get older, I realize that what I’ve lost over the years that really bothers me isn’t so much strength or endurance. I’m not considering a career change into the refrigerator moving business, nor do I see myself developing the compulsive need to win a marathon in my near future. What I’m really lacking is the flexibility I used to have when I was stretching before every basketball practice and before and after every weight lifting session. Throwing my back out when I bend down to pick up a quarter sucks. Thus, I could start by doing some yoga with my Wii fitness trainer. It is technically a video game, so my will power might be less resistant to it. I would only have to use it as a start, to get myself back into the habits of a healthier lifestyle. There’s just something in me that won’t let me try this as a serious option. That thing is testosterone. I’m secure enough in my manhood to admit I cry, but not secure enough to accept Wii Fit yoga as my workout of choice.

But, yet again, I’ve allowed my rotund backside to plop onto the comfy Lay-Z-Boy recliner of excuses. It’s easier and I’m lazy, so that’s what I do and I justify it anyway possible. After all, thinking of a way to rationalize my laziness requires zero physical effort. Working out requires way more. That’s if I remember correctly. It’s been a while.