Ideally, I Wouldn't Want An Autopsy Done Either

Hope everyone did their taxes. I know I did. I always do them early. First of all, I like to get the refund as soon as possible, but second, I’m terrified of being audited.

I irrationally think that if I get my tax return in early, I will look like a law-abiding citizen who has nothing to hide. I really don’t have anything to hide. My finances are extremely uncomplicated. I don’t believe there would ever be any reason to audit me nor do I think the IRS could ask me any questions that wouldn’t be easily answered. Still, I fear the audit.

I suppose this is because I’m one of those people who just try to avoid getting noticed in a lot of ways in order to make it through each day. My freshman year of high school was spent trying to promote my anonymity. I didn’t need to be popular, I just wanted to be a face in the crowd and not be singled out for anything. I wanted to show up, do my own thing and get out of there. Even now, at a store, I want to get in and out without any added attention. Stores where they come up and ask you if you need help are my least favorite. This is why I haven’t gone into a Foot Locker in over a decade. A lot of people seem to take this approach. I think that’s why stores like Target and Wal-Mart do well. You can wander around those stores for hours without anybody saying a word to you unless you initiate contact.

As I look back on this, I realize it’s likely an unhealthy approach. Every kid, or adult for that matter, tries to just blend in at some point. Just think of all the times a supervisor asked for a volunteer to do something and everyone did their best to avoid eye contact while not making any furtive gestures to attract attention. Of course, just because everyone is guilty of it, that doesn’t make it right.

Those of us with children want to instill confidence in them. We want to teach them to stand up for themselves and to be comfortable with who they are. We want them to fit in, but not to the point of sacrificing their dreams and talents. What better way to do this than to lead by example?

Maybe next year, I’ll encourage the IRS to take a closer look at my tax return. Maybe I’ll file for an extension just to really have it put under a microscope. I have nothing to hide, go ahead and do your best to try and find a flaw. I have done nothing wrong. That’ll show them.

***Following for IRS Personnel only***

Listen, that was just a joke. I really don’t want you to look any harder at my return than anybody else’s. Not that you can’t if you don’t want to. Again, I have nothing to hide. I just wanted to joke around a little. I’m sure you all would love the opportunity to show people that just because you work for the IRS doesn’t mean you don’t have a sense of humor, right? Well, here’s that chance.

You’ll be receiving next year’s return mid-February, like usual. Love you guys.