Weathered Weekly Features

My house is officially decorated for Christmas, so this week's top 5 is Christmas ornaments:

5. Glass Globe - The traditional, colorful, classy standard. It only makes the five spot, however, due to its fragility. With kids and/or pets in the house, you're sure to lose a few of these every year.

4. Jingle Bells - Though best suited on a doorknob or somewhere else where they are more likely to be jostled and caused to make their cheery noise, they look good on a tree too.

3. Hallmark Character Ornaments - They've done everything from Optimus Prime to Blue's Clues. One of my favorite forms of pop culture expression below the t-shirt.

2. Candy Canes - Look good on a tree, built in hanging system and edible afterward. Most efficient ornament...ever.

1. Childhood School Crafts - Wether it is something you did as a kid or your own kids brought home a few years back or just this year, they make for the best memories and are more authentic than the sterile "Baby's First Christmas 2004" ornaments that just have a picture slot. My parents still have a preserved bagel with my kindergarten picture in the middle of it that they hang on their tree. All together now...Awwwwwww.

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is a flying sleigh. Along with last week's cool-ass thing you'll never own, a harrier jet, it is also a good way to avoid weather related traffic complications. Un like the jet, the magic sleigh has a deceptively roomy interior perfect for cramming those overloaded bags of presents in after a successful trip to the mall.

This week's sign you are a nerd is that you build your own sled. It may feature a Teflon coating on the underside or it may rely on more simple physics involving aerodynamics or gravity. Or you may have even decided to go green and build a slope racer out of entirely organic and biodegradable materials. Regardless, you're still putting too much thought into it.

This week's nemesis is rubber wiper blades. These things stick to icy windshield's like Flick's tongue to a flagpole. That's why I've outfitted my car with Ginsu knives as wiper blades. They may scratch the hell out of my windshield, but they obliterate ice. Take that, mother nature!

This week's lesson learned is to have an extra pair of dry clothes ready for your kids if you let them outside for the first time with their new boots on. Apparently, they think the water protection their feet are experiencing extends to the rest of their body.

This week's equation is:

The weight in pounds of salt you will need to store for the winter (w) can be determined by multiplying the area in square feet of your awning (a), the color of your awning (c) on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the darkest and the area of your porch in square feet (p). This product can then be divided by the average daily temperature (T) and added to this result should be the number of steps on your porch (n). Good luck avoiding lawsuits from the mailman.

This week's Star Wars quote is: "Echo station 3T8, we have spotted Imperial Walkers." Come to think of it, I think I know what next week's cool-ass thing you'll never own is going to be.

Thanks for reading. Stay warm.