Sunday, October 9, 2011

Brain New Features

Happy Sunday to you all.  With the approach of Halloween, my thoughts are becoming increasingly morbid.  Thus, we begin this week's features with the top five items in my home I would use in the event of a zombie attack:

5. Hammer - Compact, durable, yet able to inflict a lot of damage to the brain of a walking corpse.  The drawback here is the need for proximity to land an effective blow.  Still, I would definitely keep one at my side.  It would finally allow me to make use of that loop on my jeans.

4. Sai - Yes, I have a pair after a trip to Washington D.C.'s Chinatown during my college years.  I know the money could have been spent on something more practical at the time like food...or tuition, but I would do the same thing all over again.  When I'm stabbing zombies two at a time through their eye sockets and you're being gruesomely devoured, let's see whom will be preaching to whom about the importance of fiscal responsibility.

3. Baseball bat - This is an upgrade from the hammer in that you are allowed a bit more distance from the jaws of your nasty assailants, but the next two items are each a step up in my opinion.

2. Hockey stick - Its length and lightweight design are both pluses, but you might need to duct tape a blade to its edge to make it more effective.  Also, it could be a bit easier to break.  But the resulting wooden stick could still be used as a brain-piercing spike.

1. Floor lamp - Hear me out.  Heavy end for cranium smashing.  Long pole allows one to keep their distance.  Metal frame for durability.  Blunt, usually rounded edge on weighted base reduces the number of times you will have to stop and forcibly remove your weapon from the zombie's skull in which it has become lodged.  Safe and effective.

This week's cool ass thing you will never own is a politician.  The hang up certainly isn't that they are not for sale.  Rather it is the price they are going for these days.  If you aren't a major share holder in a large corporation they basically don't give a crap what you think about a given issue.

This week's sign you are a nerd is that you can read Morse code without having to look at a key.  You receive a dispensation if you worked on a submarine during World War II.  Otherwise -.--  ---  ..-    .-  .-.  .    .-    --.  .  .  -.-    .-.-.-

This week's nemesis is leaves.  It would be one thing if they would all fall at once, but they taunt you by sprinkling slowly onto the ground.  It also seems that they know when rain is expected so they can fall in greater number and get wet and heavy on your lawn.

This week's lesson learned is that something you thought was really clever one night with a few beers in you will seem far less clever the following morning.  That tube slide out my sons' second story bedroom window just never made it past the planning stage, which was conducted entirely on a cocktail napkin.  Maybe it's because I could barely read the calculations.  Damn my chicken scratch.

This week's equation allows you to calculate how much money it is appropriate to spend on your kids' Halloween costumes:

The recommended cost in US dollars (c) can be found by taking the square root of your monthly income, again in US dollars (i) then multiplying it by the absolute value of the sum of the expected weight in pounds of candy intake (c) and the number of parties to be attended in said costume (p) minus the average age of your children (a), all divided by the number of kids you have (n).

Finally, this week's Star Wars quote is, "My hands are dirty."

Have a great week.  Thank you for reading.

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