Sunday, October 30, 2011

Terrifyingly Lazy Weekly Features

So you need a costume for tomorrow but have yet to get one.  Don't worry.  This week's top five list provides the top five horror movie masks.  Every single one of them have been worn as a solitary costume item by party patrons too lazy to shop earlier than the day of the party for years:

5. Scream - So over done, it's the least impressive on this list.  Still, it's creepy looking and you don't need much more than the mask itself to make a fairly complete costume.  There's something to be said for efficiency.

4. Hannibal Lector's mouth guard - Hannibal "the Cannibal" was fitted with a leather mask to prevent him from trying to take a bite out of any unsuspecting guards.  While Silence of the Lambs was more suspense than horror film, it's still a classic, recognizable mask.  Slick your hair back, especially if your hair is grey and thinning, and you're good.  The big drawback is that enjoying a cocktail because exceedingly difficult while donning the mask.

3. Jason's hockey mask - One of the more iconic masks, but it looks best when accented with the scrapes, blood, and mold and mildew stains.  Don't get one too clean because it makes it hard to believe you are a mass murderer who was left to drown at the bottom of the nearby lake so many years ago.

2. Leatherface - There is only one mask more horrifying than the most memorable slasher from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  Perhaps you don't appreciate the gruesomeness inherent in a man wearing the sewn together skin off the faces of people he has already hacked to pieces.  You do?  Never mind, then.  I didn't mean to ruin your appetite.

1. Michael Myers - And I don't mean Austin Powers.  The most horrifying thing about this mask is its emotionless expression.  I mean, if he's stabbing you to death, at least you could see some feeling in his face.  Maybe he's loving it.  Maybe he regrets the tragic turn his life has taken but is to far gone to curb his bloodlust.  You'd never know because he just stares straight ahead with his mouth in a flat line.  There's nothing scarier than complete apathy.

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is Freddie Krueger's claw glove.  They're no adamantium claws ala Wolverine, but they could definitely do some damage.  You'd never need to look around for a fork, could shave at a moment's notice and those unruly shrubs in your front yard would finally be kept in line...or face the consequences.

This week's sign you are a nerd is that you sleep better at night only after running through the scientific evidence that you've cataloged which shows how highly unlikely it is that there is a monster in your closet.  As far as beneath your bed, that's going to require an entirely different set of principles.  You'd better get started on that research.

This week's nemesis is eggs.  I don't know how it started, but I would like to strangle the little bastard who first decided to throw an egg at someone else in an attempt to create Halloween mischief.  It's a real pain in the butt to wash chicken embryo off just about any surface.  And if it's cold out and you didn't notice the egg until the following morning, you might as well invest in that commercial grade pressure washer you've had your eye on.

This week's lesson learned is to properly layer your child's clothing beneath their costume.  Too may layers results in one sweaty, crabby kid.  Too few layers keeps them from staying out long enough to provide extra candy for you to steal from their bucket.  It's a truly delicate balance.  Check your weather forecast and check the breathability of your kid's costume's fabric.

This week's equation has to do with Halloween songs:

H, subscript s, represents the number of good Halloween songs in existence and s represents the total number of Halloween songs in existence.

This week's Star Wars quote is, "He's quite clever, you know...for a human being."

Thanks for reading.  Hope you all have a great Halloween.

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