Monday, January 9, 2012

Variety is the Spice of Our Weekly Features

The new year has started out consistent if nothing else.  Two weeks of features, both posted late.  Awesome.

Wasting no further time, this week's top five list is a pretty comprehensive list of the best semi-solids and liquids to dip french fries in other than ketchup (or catsup, whatever):

5. Malt vinegar - Anyone who has eaten a burger and fries at Five Guys has at least been tempted to fill one of the little plastic condiment cups with some and try it.  Makes them very reminiscent of "chips" as in fish and chips.  It's nice to change things up a little sometimes, even if that means being more European.

4. BBQ sauce - The tangier the better in my opinion.

3. Mayonnaise  - Ok, so we're suggesting European leanings here again (don't worry, the pattern stops with this top 5 list, I won't be wearing thong underwear anytime soon and will continue to insist that my wife shave her armpits) but it's actually pretty good... provided that being able to actually feel your arteries harden while eating doesn't put you off.

2. Honey - I started this back when I was a kid and the McNuggets were first created.  Honey is still my favorite side with them, but dip a salty McDonald's fry un it and you have magic.  Gold dipped in gold, my friends.

1. Frosty - Don't call it a chocolate shake, because it isn't.  I couldn't tell you the scientific difference, but sometimes faith is good enough and my faith in the mystical powers of the Wendy's Frosty (i.e deliciousness) is unshakeable (pun intended).

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is J.A.R.V.I.S.  Yes, in the Iron Man comic book, there was actually a butler named Jarvis, but we wouldn't exactly "own" him now would we, you caveman.  For all the technological advances being made with home security systems, I'm holding out for a completely automated house with it's own personality and British accent (oh no, the Euro-trend is returning).

This week's sign you are a nerd is that you find the calculations of point spreads far more interesting than actually watching the NFL Playoff games.  Even if you do watch the games, you're constantly thinking in the back of your mind with each play the statistical likelihood that the spread will be covered.

This week's nemesis is first days back to school.  Whether it be an entire summer or two weeks in the middle of winter, your kids are so much more of a pain in the ass to get dressed and out the door when they have an longer break than usual from the daily grind.  I have a hard enough time dealing with them after a three day weekend.  Having the police called on me at 8 o'clock in the morning because I'm whacking my son's hands with the car's ice scraper while I hold him horizontally around the waist in an attempt to get him to let go of the porch railing and get in the back seat is the last thing I need.

This week's lesson learned is to make your kids read every day.  School day or not, getting them to read on a deadline will be a lot easier if they are accustomed to reading at least a little, preferably quietly, each day.  That way, you won't have to deal with the sighs and the whining and you will hopefully not have to break out the ice scraper form the car to threaten them.

This week's equation helps you estimate how many hours a night your kids might spend on homework.

The time in hours spent on homework (T, subscript hw) can be estimated by taking their grade level (g) and adding the number of subjects they have homework in (s) then dividing that product by the product of your level of tolerance of their complaining (t, on a 1-10 scale, 10 being the most tolerant) minus how often they whine pre hour (w) all added to the number of distractions readily available while they work (d).

Finally, this week's Star Wars quote is, "The first transport is away."

As always, thanks for reading.  Tell your friends.  We'd love to have them.

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