Jack Bauer Has Made Me A Better American

Tonight marks the end of an era. The end of a legend. The final two hours of Jack Bauer’s white knuckle, thrill ride existence will be watched by millions. It is the series finale of 24.

For eight seasons, Jack Bauer has entertained and inspired me. Not just anyone can achieve this simultaneously, yet he has managed to pull it off week after week. You would think that by now I would have learned not to underestimate Jack Bauer. You would think there is nothing he could do that could surprise me, but that’s just what Jack want you to think and then…BAM! He slams your head into a file cabinet, makes you pee yourself and extracts the information he wants from you.

Not once have I become bored of his interrogation style. Never have I questioned his loyalty to America. If anything, Jack has only served to amp up my patriotism in the form of distrust for all foreign countries, including Canada.

Let’s be clear that I speak exclusively of Jack Bauer because Kiefer Sutherland is a whole other person. Kiefer Sutherland will go on to do something mundane and unimportant with the rest of his career. Perhaps he will begin doing voice-overs for commercials or a poorly conceived Disney movie. What’s that? He’s already done this? Well there you go. While Kiefer Sutherland wallows in side work, Jack Bauer will live forever in the hall of television bad-asses, most likely flanked by B.A. Baracus and Chuck Norris.

Let us never speak Kiefer’s name on this blog again.

Instead, let’s focus on the reason why I called you all here today. That is to say goodbye. To bid farewell to the most awesome television character since The Fonz.

No other man has commanded so much respect from so many people while also completely terrifying them. For this, I salute you Jack. I salute you and I thank you.

I also thank you for saving Senator Palmer. And for soldiering on past the death of your wife and helping protect President Palmer. And the other President Palmer who was nowhere near as cool as the first President Palmer, whose assassination you later helped bring justice for. And for protecting America from that dude who was the mummy in the Brendan Frasier movie (ok, let’s never mention Brendan Frasier again in this blog either). And for exposing Charles Logan for the rat fink he really is. And for making it through that Chinese prison.

(DEEP BREATH)

And for having the strength to stand up to even your own father and brother. And for saving those orphaned boys in Sangala, though I wonder what the hell ever happened to any of them after reaching the U.S. I think one of them may have been driving the cab I was next to the other day. And for exposing yourself to radiation to help save millions of others. And for always being a good friend to Tony Almeda despite what he did to you. And for believing in Chloe. And for giving Renee one last moment of happiness. And for exacting revenge for her death. And for finally going off the deep end like I’ve wanted you to for so many seasons.

Thank you for it all, Jack. It’s been one memorable ride. I promise you that when the complete series is released on Blu-Ray a year or two from now, I will be all over that. When the time is right, I want my sons to know all about you.