Geology

Summer vacation is the perfect opportunity to continue my sons’ education. They are away from the social pressures of other children and their minds have been left pliable from all the learning they’ve done over the past nine months.

During the next three months I plan on putting them through a rigorous course of study. While their school does a great job with their math and reading skills and even introduces them to computers and art, they are severely lacking in one critical area of study.

Rock.

I have been nothing less than disturbed by their choice in music lately. Apparently the exposure they received to pop music was dramatically increased while in the presence of other kids their age. They relay to me the details of their discussions with their classmates by telling me everyone in their class like “that one song that goes…” It’s never a song I know.

When I put the radio on in the car, they used to ask me to stop when something guitar heavy came on. Now they shout “leave it on” for dance music. This has reminded me why I hate Kidz Bop.

My wife enjoys this because she, like all girls, likes to listen to dance music. So, when she turns on the radio and a hip hop song the boys recognize comes on, she smiles and turns it up. Then, while the rest of the car is bopping their heads and occasionally singing along, I’m wondering if I could survive rolling out of the car door to the asphalt below at thirty miles per hour.

“Take the wheel for a second, honey.”

When I sent them to school late last August, their favorite songs were Metallica’s For Whom The Bell Tolls and Black Sabbath’s Iron Man. They were begging me to play Coheed & Cambria’s Welcome Home so they could stomp around the house to it. Now they’d rather hear Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber or Ke$ha. (That’s right, I spelled it with the dollar sign. Think what I may about her music, I still feel the need to write the girl’s name the asinine way she insists on spelling it. She deserves at least that much.)

This will not due. I’m giving them a week off, but reprogramming will begin first thing in the morning next Monday when they awake at seven AM to the synthesizer track from Baba O’Reilly at maximum volume. We will then debate over cereal why Happy Jack was so damn happy and I will demonstrate how the sound of the spoon against my mug as I stir my coffee sounds a great deal like the percussion from Magic Bus. After this, we will do some exercises in the basement with Rock Band 2. The most Keith Moon-like performance on Won’t Get Fooled Again will get to pick what’s for lunch.

As you can see, the first day will be quite Who intensive. I think they’re a good band to start with for my kids’ ages. You can always get their attention with Boris The Spider if they start to get bored.

Once The Who lays down a solid base for me (or maybe lays down some solid bass, get it? Ha!) I’ll progress to the Beatles, whose songs the boys immediately recognize as I sing them around the house even though the annoyance in their voices upon doing so needs to be eradicated.

There are so many bands yet so little time. Eventually we’ll get to Van Halen as I’m curious to see if they are David Lee Roth or Sammy Haggar fans. This decision ought to be a defining moment in every young boy’s life. By the time school is back in session I plan to have covered Metallica and be on Kings of Leon, The Killers and The White Stripes so that they can go in and influence their peers to be a little more hard core while still seeming contemporary.

I’m confident that their respect for rock will return in good time. I need only be patient and stay the course. And possibly break the radio in the minivan so that it’s stuck on the classic rock station and jam a Springsteen album in the CD player permanently.