Weekly Features That I Couldn't Create A Clever Title For

A late update to the weekly features, so let’s get right to it.

This week’s top 5 is things I would put in my backyard if I had an infinite amount of space:

5. A Deck: my yard is one right now that would not look quite right with a deck, but I’ve always wanted one.

4. Batting Cage: it would be nice to let the boys take a few swings any time they want

3. Basketball Court: and I’m not talking a little half-court shoot around style concrete slab, but a full size court.

2. In-Ground Pool: complete with a coach house to house the people to maintain it and bring me drinks and I suppose a garden so they could grow their own food and feed themselves.

1. Fishing Pond: I would keep it stocked with pan fish and largemouth bass.

This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own is an arcade. Having numerous console games in your basement, garage or rumpus room doesn’t count. You need to have a full fledged arcade with skee-ball, bubble hockey and a cocktail table version of Pac-Man. Chuck-E-Cheese and similar locales don’t count either. You need to have a facility dedicated solely to gaming. No food. No min-golf. No bumper cars. I doubt you will own one of these because these true arcades are a dying breed…much like rumpus rooms.

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that people seemed surprised to have enjoyed their first in depth conversation with you. News flash, the reason this happens is because you come across as such a boring geek who couldn’t possibly have anything in common with someone who isn’t wearing suspenders and a retainer. When you happen to come up with a topic of interest to a normal person, they are surprised. But we nerds are a surprising bunch. When given the chance, we can appeal to the nerd inside of everyone. So, give a nerd a chance today, people. Strike up a conversation. You may be surprised to find you enjoyed it. But don’t blame me if you get spittle on your face. Those nerds can get a little excited by human contact.

This week’s nemesis is anyone who attempts to jump in line. You are not slick. Yes, I am going to say something to you, so you might as well just turn around and take it instead of glancing over your shoulder. Honest mistake, huh? Well I can see how you might think the other several hundred of us were just standing here in an obviously structured formation just for the hell of it, jerk. Now get to the back.

This week’s lesson learned is to commit at least $50 to a trip to the theme park with your kids. Even if you already have the season passes and pack a tailgate lunch, something is going to come up and you’ll end up blowing this money. Just be prepared so it doesn’t ruin your day.

And this week’s Star Wars quote is an old classic dedicated this week to my wife: “Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.”

Thanks for reading.