Weekly Blockbuster Features

Happy belated Father’s Day to all of you out there who are lucky enough to be called Daddy. I’m a bit disappointed in myself for not dedicating a post to the joy of fatherhood on Sunday. However, I suppose that’s a big part of what I do almost daily on this blog, so I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. Besides, when my wife asked me if I wanted to be able to just relax, I said I’d rather spend time with my sons and told her, “It’s called Father’s Day, not Big Fat Lazy Jerk Day.” So, here’s hoping you enjoyed the day and got to spend some quality time with your kids.

On to the delayed weekly features!

This week’s top 5 is a list of terrible summer “blockbusters”:

Number 5 – The Scorpion King
I thought this one had a lot of potential, but it sucked. I suppose this may be why Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson now sticks to kid movies.

Number 4 – Snakes on a Plane
The only reason this horrible, disgustingly awful movie is not higher on the list is because I don’t think the creators of it ever intended it to be a good movie.

Number 3 – Hollow Man
While Kevin Bacon may be our generation’s greatest and most versatile actor and Elizabeth Shue is very pretty, this movie was not good.

Number 2 – Waterworld
The downfall of Kevin Costner’s career began here. Sure, you could catch further episodes of futility in The Postman and 3,000 Mile to Graceland, but this film, sometimes called “Fishtar,” is where it all began.

Number 1 – G.I. Joe
I think I might be giving this the top slot because I so wanted it to be good and it was so bad. Snake Eyes wasn’t in it enough. They changed the story so drastically. The Baroness’s storyline was a mess. Storm Shadow looked like he was a failed hairdresser. They could only get one Wayans brother. This thing was a complete failure in my mind.

This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own is Mjolnir. Thor’s mighty hammer is out of your grasp yet again, mortal. Even the likes of Victor Von Doom could not find a way to enable his possession of it. What makes you think you can?

This week’s sign you are a nerd is the use of the title Dungeon Master. If you have ever listed this after your name, been addressed as this, insisted on being addressed as such, or even thought about being addressed as such, you are a geek.

This week’s nemesis is thunderstorms. I love watching lightning streak through the sky. Few things on this earth look as cool. But enough is enough. Maybe one or two over a summer is fine. You get too many and you have to deal with water in your basement, the frustrating physics of trying to pick up wet dog poo and roller coasters being cautiously shut down for most of the day. That’s no fun for anybody.

This week’s lesson learned is to put sunscreen on the top of your feet. Should you fail to while wearing sandals, wearing any other shoes or even socks may prove painful for the next few days.

And, this week’s Star Wars quote is the normally quick-witted Han Solo’s attempt to divert attention from the blaster fire in the detention level: “A slight weapon malfunction, but everything’s okay now. Fine. Thank you. How are you?”

Check back later today and I hope to have another post waiting.