Bargain on this Week's Features

The long weekend has come to an end and I hope everyone enjoyed Thanksgiving. But now we have business to attend to. It’s time to update our weekly features.

This week’s top five list is the top five things to avoid at your job’s holiday party:

5. Alcohol – When the ever-lasting puke stain on the carpet in your office is pointed out, don’t let everyone stare at you.

4. Mistletoe – This becomes even more important to avoid if you failed to heed my advice and avoid number 5. You’d be amazed how many people have cameras ready to go.

3. Impressions – I know you have your boss’s voice, mannerisms and even his clichéd catch phrases down pat, but this is not the forum. It sucks when you perform a hilariously belittling impression of your boss and are met with awkward stares because he was standing right behind you the whole time.

2. Copy machines – We all know what happens here. Stay away! Should you need further motivation, remember that somebody else has more than likely pulled the same prank already. When you put your bare ass on that copier it’s like putting your bare ass up against the bare asses of everyone else that has pressed their bare ass against that copier.

1. Attendance – Above all, avoiding attending the party at all will prevent you from hearing unwanted gossip and rumor and potentially embarrassing yourself. Coming up with a previous engagement is the way to go.

This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own is a Harrier Jet. This time of year in particular it would be convenient. You can avoid long commutes in poor weather by soaring over the rest of the traffic. Parking is a breeze when you can drop straight down into the spot or just land on a rooftop. You can also use the hover and strafe technique to take out would be competitors trying to snatch up your holiday bargains.

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that the words Star Trek appear on your Christmas list. Is there some sort of aspect of the show that hasn’t been covered by now? How many new products can there be for a show that hasn’t produced a new episode of any kind in over five years? Star Trek is competing with Seinfeld to be the Tupac of television shows.

This week’s nemesis is ice. You never realize how much moisture was on the ground overnight until you’re fishtailing on your way to work the next morning. No coffee for me, thanks, I had an adrenaline shot on the way in.

This week’s lesson learned is to wake up earlier on cold days. I seem to have no consistent method by which to predict how much ice (this week’s nemesis) might appear on my windshield. Plus, the more time you give the heating system or your heated seats to warm up, the more pleasant you’ll be to everyone for the rest of the day.

This week’s equation is:

The time in days (t) you need to commit to shopping this holiday season can be found by starting with the number of people on your list (n) and subtracting from that the number of those people who would be perfectly happy receiving a gift card (c). This result should then be multiplied by the average pop culture awareness level of the same people (p, expressed as a value of 1-10, ten being the most aware) and your personal obsession with finding the best deal on whatever you are shopping for (s, expressed as a value of 0-5, five being the most anal). This product should be divided by the average age in years of the people on your list (y). Finally, add to this the number of list members who are thirteen years of age or younger.

Finally, this week’s Star Wars quote came to me as I was thinking of the sudden temperature drop. “Artoo says that the chances of survival are 725 to 1. Actually, Artoo has been known to make mistakes…from time to time…oh dear.”

Enjoy the beginnings of the holiday season. December will be here in a few short days. And remember to practice your elbow strikes, it’ll help in the middle of a sales rack.

Thanks as always for reading.