Christmas. Is. Go!

Okay, it’s time. You can start preparing for Christmas now without the fear of incurring my wrath. I know you’ve been waiting for my blessing, so now you have it.

The lady down the block who does her best Martha Stewart impression year after year is so afraid of me that she waited until I was gone for the day yesterday. Ten she put her Christmas decorations up in the dark of night. While I was tempted to go knock on her door during Thanksgiving’s twenty-third hour and call her our on it, I decided to let it slide. ‘Tis the season, after all.

Since you have the all clear, you may as well make the most of it. Put the tree in the window. Start playing that Nat King Cole Christmas album (the man had such a velvety smooth voice that it’s a shame his Christmas carols are only appropriate for one twelfth of the calendar year). Buy a puppy for the kids and keep it in a box in your closet for the next month (don’t forget to make holes in the lid). Punch someone in the face over a Justin Bieber doll or a Kung Zhu pet. Let the spirit of the season fill your heart.

The pressure will be on to give that perfect gift. Those of you with kids will have to somehow decipher which toys your children will actually enjoy and which ones they are asking for simply because of the constant brainwashing they have been subjected to via commercials during their cartoons. It is a long and arduous journey that lies ahead of you this holiday season. One wrong purchase could knock you from the precipice of world’s greatest (fill in parent/guardian title here) and propel you downward to the depths of uncaring, old, out of touch fuddy-duddy.

Fear not! In the spirit of giving, I will be giving to all of you the gift of my insight and knowledge of the awesome. I’ll be shelling out some advice you didn’t ask for regarding where you can go to get some supremely spectacular holiday gifts. I shall be working on a Transformer Generation Dad approved gift list to be featured on this very blog very soon (aren’t you so very excited?). However, I’m releasing none of this information to the public until I have already purchased the items I need. All’s fair in love, war and Christmas shopping.

Yes, Christmas time is here. Time for joy and time for spending money beyond your limits such that you have to count on that income tax rebate check in the spring to recover. It’s the most wonderful shopping spree of the year. Merry Christmas to all and to all some good luck. You’re going to need it.