New Week, New Month, New Features

In my eat whatever candy my kids let me get my hands on induced hangover, I nearly forgot to update this week's features. Let's get on that.

This week's top 5 is Halloween treats my sons received that almost got rifled back through the giver's front window:

5. Pencils - If I was that concerned about my kids' teeth, I wouldn't be taking them out trick or treating, you preachy jerk.

4. Almond Joy - I'm sorry, Almond Joy fans, but this is not a kids' candy bar. More like something one eats while enjoying a Matlock marathon.

3. Popcorn Ball - Is it 1950? Did things even taste good then? And, no, I don't trust you didn't put a razor blade or used syringe in there.

2. Homemade cookie - Yeah, the effort is nice, but again, it's 2010. Wrapping is really the name of the game. If I eat a strain of e-coli from a wrapped Milky Way, at least there's a responsible company I can write to and receive a year's supply of the same candy that just terrorized my digestive tract. If your cookie makes me sick, the only recourse I have is to set fire to a bag of poop on your doorstep.

1. Taffy in orange and black wax paper wrappers - Second worst candy of all time exceeded in suckiness only by Circus Peanuts which do not appear on this year's list only because my sons, thankfully, did not receive any this year. I'd rather receive a razor-blade filled popcorn ball that one of these.

This week's cool-ass thing you'll never own is a secret lair. Although it's a buyer's market, finding the space for that super computer or collection of your super suits will still take a fair amount of cheese. Plus there's the issue of keeping it secret. And all the really cool location, like in a volcano, or under a national landmark are so overprotected these days.

This week's sign you are a nerd is that you had to explain that you were Doctor Who for Halloween, not one of the characters form Harry Potter.

This week's nemesis is the last day of vacation. Not really a day you can enjoy fully because you have to go back to work the next day after you got used to being off. It's like eating the last Starburst, but it's an orange one and it's way hardest to chew than the rest of the package was.

This week's lesson learned is to place your children's Halloween candy out of reach immediately upon returning home lest you need to leave them unattended for a moment for you will certainly return to find a hundred empty wrappers on your floor and possibly rainbow colored puke somewhere later.

This week's equation is:

V represents one's likelihood to vomit.

It is reach by multiplying the weight (w) in grams of candy consumed by the time (t) in minutes spent running around like an idiot afterward.

Subtracted from that amount is age (a) in years multiplied by amount of fiber (f) in grams consumed during the course of the same day.

This week's Star Wars quote is, "Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future."

Thanks for reading. Don't forget to vote on this month's poll.