Details of Spider-Man Reboot Movie Revealed

When I heard Marvel was going to have a new Spider-Man movie coming out in summer of 2012 (which we won't survive to see anyway according to the Aztec calendar, so I wonder why I'm even bothering to write this) I heard a lot of fuzzy details to go along with it. These details, as with most rumors, were ever changing. They contradicted one another.

So, I waited patiently for Marvel to release details. I found out finally that the love interest in the film was not going to be Mary Jane after all as some outlets reported, but Gwen Stacy. Gwen, as Spider-Man fans may know, was Spidey's first girlfriend. She died at the hands of the Green Goblin. Her death haunted Peter Parker for the rest of his life. It wasn't until after this that Mary Jane Watson and the wall crawler became an item.

But I didn't come here to regale you with details you could find out yourself with mere minutes of Google searches. Nay, I plan on providing you with quality investigative services here today.

Listen closely. Take notes if you have a note pad near you. Or, since you're reading this on a computer screen in all likelihood, just print out this page. But after you print it out, laminate the page or at least fold it up and keep it in your wallet, with your favorite parts highlighted, because what I'm about to tell you is important.

Today, Marvel released the information that Martin Sheen has been cast as Uncle Ben for the new movie. This detail is important because it is consistent with the prevalent rumor that this new Spider-Man movie will not be a continuation of the Sam Raimi directed trilogy, but a complete reboot of the franchise. The Gwen Stacy casting alone hadn't proven this to me because Gwen Stacy was introduced during Spider-Man 3 in a role different than she played in the comic. But if you take the casting of Gwen Stacy, the lack of any mention of Mary Jane and the casting of Uncle Ben together, it becomes obvious that this film will be a reboot after all.

Oh-ho, so you could have figured that out yourself, you say? You knew that months ago, you contend? If you believe every Hollywood rumor told then I ask you, how was Nicholas Cage as Superman?

I'm not done. I am about to drop a bomb of knowledge so large that a megaton of insight is going to explode in your brain and leave it irradiated with wisdom, rendering it inhospitable to silly ideas lest they die of intelligence poisoning.

So, at this time, remove the copy of this blog post that you printed out from your trash can because I'm not done. If you were so prematurely annoyed with me that you went so far as to shred it, get out the scotch tape because I'm going to punish you by invoking my copyright infringement rites and preventing you from simply printing out another copy to highlight (or laminate) and keep in your wallet.

What I am about to predict is something Marvel refuses to share: who the villain is going to be in the new film. Marvel has told you they've cast the villain. They'll tell you the actor, but not the character. So here comes Transformer Generation Dad with the skills to help you impress the other nerds you may gather the courage to talk to into thinking you are a movie detail predicting deity who they will forever pray to for news of the remake of Buckaroo Bonzai.

I dare say here, for all three of you to read, that the villain in the new Spider-Man reboot movie shall be none other than...

I love building the suspense here. The greatest part about it is if I'm wrong, it will make me look like that much more of an ass over this whole thing, but I don't care. This is kind of fun. In fact, now I'm going to wait and tell you when you least expect it, like ripping off a Band-Aid so that you don't even...

CHAMELEON!!! BAM!

Did you see that coming? No you didn't, liar.

If you are going to start Spider-Man over you don't want to compete with the first three films. If you start with the Green Goblin, everybody remembers Willem Dafoe.

If you're going to redo this thing from scratch, how do you impress people? Answer: you go for the nerd vote. You stick to the comic book almost verbatim. Sure, you can't possibly write in every detail, but you put him with his first girlfriend and you start with his first real villain, which was technically the Chameleon, not the Goblin.

In a few years from now, provided we haven't all died horrible fiery deaths after multiple simultaneous natural disasters (I still haven't seen that movie. Was it any good? To me, John Cusack + action = meh), we will know for certain wether or not I am right. But until then, I'm going to put my hands behind my head, take a deep breath of self-satisfaction enriched air, smile condescendingly and tell you, "You're welcome."