Our Weekly Features Are in the Mood For Love

Ah, love is in the air as Valentine's Day is mere hours away. Thus, our weekly features are all about love. We start with our top 5, which this week takes the top Valentine's Day gifts with a twist. They must all begin with the letter F.

5. Facial - Some spa time shows that you care about your significant other enough to provide them an excuse to get away from you and relax by themselves for awhile.

4. Fondue - Whether cheese or (preferably) chocolate, few things say romance like dipping various foodstuffs into the melted substance of your choice.

3. Fermented Grape Juice - Commonly known as wine, it is the lubricant that allows us to express those feelings deep within our hearts.

2. Fragrance - By this I mean perfume, not the intimacy of passing gas in front of one another. Just to be clear. Now you can't blame me.

1. Flowers - The most traditional way to go. Can't go wrong with red roses.

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is your own vineyard. Not only would you have wine at your constant disposal and be able to name them after your favorite pretentious inside jokes, but you could make quite a handy living out of hosting parties and tours through your facility. People eat that stuff up.

This week's sign you are a nerd is that you make a point of only purchasing genetically modified flowers for your true love. Whether it's because you want them to have no thorns or reduced pollen so that they don't bother your allergies so much, the fact that you even know this can be done makes you a nerd.

This week's nemesis is shipping companies. You have three choices: too early, too late, or right on time for the low price of your left arm and first born child.

This week's lesson learned is to have multiple gifts prepared for a special occasion with your significant other. That way, if they manipulate you into giving them the main gift early, you'll still have something to ceremoniously present on the actual day of celebration.

This weeks equation does what was previously thought impossible. It measures love:

If you take the sum of years spent with your current love (y) and willingness on a scale from 1-10 to see their movie choice instead of your own (m) multiply that by the percent of time in one another's company in physical contact like holding hands (h), then that by the square root of the product of how much money you spent in US dollars on their Valentine's Day present (m) and the average length of your phone conversations while apart in minutes (p), then divide all that by the product of the percentage of time spent together on your smart phones (i) and the number of annoying things about them that you can list within 60 seconds (f) then you will arrive at a number that tells you how much you love said person. The best part is that this is a completely arbitrary number, so you can use this equation and say, "Honey, I scored a 97 on how much I love you!" and there is no scale of reference by which to decide if that is high or low.

Finally, this week's Star Wars quote is the immortal cool guy's version of expressing love. When someone tells you they love you, just look them in the eye and say, "I know."

Have a pleasant week and should you not have anyone to celebrate with tomorrow, just remember, Transformer Generation Dad loves you and always will.