Third Person Thursday: Alien Documentary

The following is a portion of the transcript from a popular nature documentary show which aired regularly on Xagmophoid-3PR, a planet that orbits the star Eridanus. It was narrated by a well known member of their species, Klaximoph-12 whom humans would most readily equate with George Clooney.

On the evening of 118.4517-14, the Xagmophoidians sat (or took a relaxed position which most closely resembles what humans would refer to as sitting but due to the vast differences in their physiology cannot be described accurately in the limited space available to us) in front of their viewing screens. They watched in wonder as the fifth and final installment of the series covering a curious race of creatures (with only two arms, poor things) who were classified as the third most dominant species on a far way planet called Earth was shown...

The human species is a curious subject to watch age. Despite gaining sensory input on a daily basis, it does not seem to employ any of the new data into behavioral adaptation.

For instance, as we watch this particular male subject arise from its slumber and retreat to its designated waste deposit facility, it does not lower the mounting ring after performing its duty, despite the fact that failing to do so has repeatedly activated the aggression glands of its mate. It would seem that this threat to its survival is completely ignore by the human male.

Furthermore, observe as the subject drinks from the container of small brown liquid it procures from its eating station. Each day, with its first sip, the subject recoils in pain. Apparently, the temperature of the liquid upon its initial arrival is so extremely high that it causes the human physical pain.

Scientists once theorized that this was done purposely to exfoliate the outer layer of membranes from its food receptacle organ. However, after watching multiple humans over years expelling air across the surface of such liquids in order to prevent such injury, that theory has fallen by the wayside. Instead it would appear that only males past a certain lifespan participate in such impatient and reckless behavior after having learned as larva to avoid it.

Such regressive behavior is carried on throughout the rest of the male’s day. While piloting his rolling transportation craft, he does so at speeds far exceeding those deemed safe. Also, he tends to take the same path to his destination despite expressing obvious frustration through a myriad of gestures and exclamations.

The human male’s destination is then a completely new study in repetitive destructive behavior.

Watch the side of your screen where you can see the readings of the human’s plasma pressure levels and brain waves while at his place of work. Every interaction during this span of the day causes a significant increase in plasma pressure and a significant decrease in brain wave activity. This is something that has proven to be detrimental to the long-term health of their species.

The only times that the humans take a break from this behavior, they participate in one of two activities. Either they stand outside of their workstation entrances and inhale some manner of toxic material from a small paper cylinder or they retire to a mass feeding station where they consume a mixture of grease, animal fat and blended animal byproducts. Both of these activities seem to have just as much of a serious long-term health impact upon the human as the rest of their day at their workstation.

This is a very curious way to spend one’s day and our scientists have puzzled over its purpose for decades.

On rare occasions, a human has been discovered who does not follow this pattern. It would seem that some humans continue to behave in way that the child to adolescent members of its species have. These unique subjects continue to spend free time on hobbies that induced positive reactions as fledgling humans. They are seen to turn the corners of their mouths upward more often despite gravitational resistance and regularly participate in positive social interaction.

Often, it has been observed these sort of subjects participate in their workstation activities in a manner that is difficult to distinguish from their leisure activities.

But the path of such rogue subjects, whom have been referred to by the other members of their own kind most commonly as nerds and geeks, is not easy.

It would appear that, not being the norm, these subjects are ostracized by the rest of the human species. Despite often being more intelligent, they are commonly ridiculed and repressed. Most often, the behavior that most resembles child-like behavior is done behind closed doors or only with subjects who have already proven to the rest of the group tat they are like-minded.

While these subjects thrive in groups of similar subjects, they are far outnumbered by the rest of the human population, which is decidedly sluggish and miserable. It was for this exact reason that our Galactic Mercy Killing Initiative had decided several ages back to eradicate the humans from their planet. The surface space and resources that would be saved would have allowed numerous other, more progressive species to thrive.

However, the strength of the seemingly underground movement of more adolescent-like humans has caused the annihilation deadline to be pushed back. Our scientists have reasoned that should humans begin to show a higher rate of nerd-like behavior over the next several years, their species may be worth sparing for further study.

It is for this reason that the adopt-a-nerd program has begun. Stay tuned to learn how you can anonymously contribute to the fostering of this fascinating sub-species.

Also, after the break, we find out more about the Earth species our scientists now intend to turn their mercy killing efforts toward. An especially odd, four-legged species known on Earth as Zebras.