Weekly Features Include Missing Jack and Killing Zombies

During this time of year, when I’m sick of winter and spring isn’t quite here, I used to be comforted by an old friend of mine. This year, he’s no longer around to distract me through these cold, gray days and I miss him terribly. So, I have decided to start our weekly features with the top five things I miss about Jack Bauer:

5. His Scratchy Voice – Sure, Keifer Sutherland can still be heard endorsing Bank of America, but his promotion of their “Keep the Change” program just doesn’t compare to his shouting demands of, “Tell me where I can find (Marwan/Hodges/Suvarov/etc.)!” I have to turn instead to Christian Bale’s performance of Batman to get my angry, scratchy voice fix.

4. I Want to See What Else is in His Bag – That brown satchel Jack carried was the closest thing this decade to Adam West’s utility belt. I think it had the same dimensional properties as Ramona Flowers’ bag from the Scott Pilgrim series.

3. Jack Never Found Love – One of the hardest things to come to grips with is the fact that after losing his wife in the first season, Jack was so close to finding love again so many times, but never did. I thought he had something with Agent Walker, but, alas, it was not to be. Damn Russians!

2. My Life is Simpler by Comparison – Every time I started to feel overwhelmed with having to get the kids to school, get to work, get things done around the house and attend special events, I would watch Jack as he simultaneously watched people he loved kidnapped, tracked down nuclear devices, dealt with the emotional heartbreak of his estrangement from his daughter and still kept it together enough to save the world and hunt down the evil mastermind of that season’s nefarious plan. Suddenly, the pile of dishes in the sink didn’t seem so daunting.

1. My Torture Techniques are Getting Rusty – I used to be inspired to new levels watching Jack. Now I seem to be in the rut of shooting kneecaps, breaking a few fingers and occasionally cutting one off to get the answers I want. Sure it’s effective, but where’s the creativity?

This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own is a pet loon. This federally protected (from humans, but not so much from muskies) species of bird would provide the ultimate sound to fall asleep to at night and wake up to in the morning. A simple backyard pool would provide a virtual cage, seeing as it relies on flight to travel long distances and needs a lot of space to take off. Fines would be an issue, however, and keeping it secret would be tough.

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that you have more than one piece of Boba Fett collectable memorabilia on display in your home. So everybody has an action figure of a replica helmet of the universe’s favorite bounty hunter, but that shelf with the blaster and the original Slave 1 toy right next to them takes it to a new level.

This week’s nemesis is zombies. Not even real zombies, but the ones in the game I’m currently playing, Plants vs. Zombies on the Nintendo DS. I have lost countless hours of productive activity trying to eradicate them. They’re just so much fun to maim.

This week’s lesson learned is that if you decide to put up a Nerf hoop for your kids, do it as far away as possible form your room. When the morning comes that you’re trying to get a little extra shut-eye while your kids are bounding around making even as little noise as possibly while playing indoor basketball, you’ll thank me.

This week’s equation was thought up as I listened to the band my brother-in-law who is a senior in high school is listening to and recalled the band I was listening to around his age:

Finally, this week’s Star Wars quote is: “You know, I think that R2 unit we bought may have been stolen.”

Thank you for reading, everyone. Check back later for a special commemorative post and even more thanks.