Super Sunday Weekly Features

It's Super Bowl Sunday. The most important thing going on today is obviously the updating of our weekly features. Since that's obviously what you've been waiting all week for, I won't keep you waiting any longer.

This week's top 5 list is reasons not to watch the Super Bowl:

5. The Black Eyed Peas will probably perform their song that rips off the Dirty Dancing theme.

4. The commercials suck these days.

3. Ben Roethlisberger is a scumbag.

2. Aaron Rodgers will probably make that stupid heavyweight belt gesture at some point.

1. No Bears - Yes, I'm pouting. So sue me.

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is the Vince Lombardi trophy. Although the coolest of the many that have been handed out is the one from Super Bowl XX, any of them would be pretty cool to own. Alas, it's going to take a lot to purchase an NFL franchise and I don't think the collective bargaining agreement will make this any easier.

This week's sign you are a nerd is that the Super Bowl only serves as a scouting opportunity for your fantasy league next season.

This week's nemesis is Cheetos snacks. Tasty as they are, They end up leaving your fingers and, subsequently, most items in your house, streaked with bright orange artificially flavored cheese powder.

This week's lesson learned is that if you find a side of cole slaw in your refrigerator and you don't remember ordering anything recently that it could have come with, you should assume it is past its prime and not eat it.

This week's equation compares a classic cartoon without speaking to a classic comic without words:

We see here that if you take the Pink Panther (p squared) and add weapons (w) and explosions (x) then remove color (c), you get Spy vs. Spy (s squared).

Our Star Wars quote of the week is: "Your tauntaun will freeze before you reach the first marker." "Then I'll see you in Hell!"

Thanks for reading.