Monday, August 15, 2011

Preseason Features

With the NFL preseason officially underway and the threat of a lockout all but forgotten, I suppose it is about time for me to get around to my preseason picks.  While I recognize that the majority of the sports prognosticators will be picking the Packers to do some damage and potentially win the title again, I am intentionally leaving them out because I blame myself for their victory last last year after placing then at my number two spot.

5. Bears - Despite their apparent lack of an offensive line, I have faith that last year's trip to the NFC Championship game was not a fluke and that Jay Cutler will step up and perform at a higher level.  Okay, to be honest, I'm just trying to send some good karma their way.  Perhaps inclusion on the TGD preseason list is the opposite of the Madden cover curse.  Fingers crossed.

4. Eagles - I currently view them as the Miami Heat of the NFL, not because their star players are acting like douches who have already won the title, but because everyone else is acting like it's a foregone conclusion that they will win it.  I think there are still better teams out there, but they have legitimate shot.  I won't argue with that.

3. Falcons - So they tanked in the playoffs last year.  This is still a seasoned team that has a lot going for it. I think the disappointment and experience from last year will make them tougher.

2. Patriots - I haven't rooted for the pats since they won their first Superbowl, but you have to put them up there every year.

1. Jets - Much like with the Falcons, this is a team that I believe will build on the disappointment and lessons from last year.  Even with all the expectations piled on their shoulders last season, they fought their way to the AFC Championship game.  I think they will continue to improve.  This isn't an old team and they may be poised to actually go all the way this year....or I may have just jinxed them.

This week's cool ass thing you will never own is the Madden bus.  Although since he set down the commentator's mic, POW (that's the sound it made when he set it down...see, right there, if you rewind it and then play it back...POW), the most famous avoidance technique for the fear of flying ever hasn't logged as many miles.  Even with the amazing creature comforts featured inside, including magically appearing Turducken every Thanksgiving, this ultimate road trip vehicle wouldn't really be as valuable without a professional driver.

This week's sign that you are a nerd is that you will spend more time poring over box scores and yardage stats this season than you will spend actually watching any live football games.

This week's nemesis is the Chicago Bears' offensive line.  It sucked last year and I think it may have actually gotten worse.  It matters very little who you have throwing passes if the defenders are able to grab him before he has time to cock back his arm.  I may be exposing my homer colors here, but I really think my Bears could be legitimate competitors for the title if they had consistent blocking.  Never have i watched a team that made me so nervous on third down.

This week's lesson learned is to fertilize your lawn every few weeks.  It requires a lot less effort than trying to pick out those annoyingly pesky weeds that have developed over millions of years the ability to release their leafy sections with minimal effort, leaving their roots firmly planted in the ground to simply regrow in a few days (curse you evolution!) or trying to rake out unsightly dead spots and reseed, sitting on your porch with a pellet gun to chase off and would be seed poaching robins and sparrows, which then requires cleaning up mounds of dead birds.  Of course, it is a great workout for your lower back if that's what you're looking for.

This week's equation is:

To predict your fantasy football team's winning percentage (w) subtract the average number of years of fantasy experience of your opponents (t subscript v) from the number of years of your own experience (t subscript y) then multiply that result with the result of subtracting the level of obscurity of your league's rule (r on a 1-10 scale) from the coolness of your team's name (n on a 1-10 scale, ten being something like "Maul-rats", "Eleven for Flinching" or simply "Ditka!" (exclamation point must be included) and 1 being something like "I'd Rather Be Managing Fantasy Baseball" or "Packers") and then subtracting from that product the average age of the players you have drafted for your team.  This entire figure should then me multiplied by the quality of your league's manager or commissioner (m on a 1-10 scale).  If you know you're playing in a league run by a guy who just tries to make money off the thing, just hand him your league fee and save yourself the trouble of deliberating over the roster every week.  He's probably rigged it so that he's won eight of the last ten years.

Finally, this week's Star Wars quote is, "This is no cave!"

As always, thank you for reading.  Later today, we will be posting a toy review which includes a giveaway so be sure to check back.

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