Appreciate The Finer Things In Death

Yesterday was Friday the 13th. If you are reading this, you survived. Congratulations.

As I thought about the significance of the unlucky date throughout the day yesterday, I found myself wondering something. It is something that I think might make for a good poll in October, but I’d like to pose it now and see if some of our loyal readers might provide feedback.

I pose the following question:

If you were being chased by a maniacal, blood-thirsty, apparently superhuman and other worldly, serial killer, would you rather the killer chased after you at a high rate of speed or if he slowly and methodically advanced on you one evil step at a time?

You know what I mean here, right? You’re not getting out alive. The person or thing that’s chasing you is going to be your eventual undoing. The issue at hand is merely how it’s going to go down.

There are the evil creatures that jump out at people and strike quickly out of nowhere. Their victims don’t see it coming and, often, are dealt a quick, relatively painless death.

Then there are the guys who let you see it coming. You scream or try to run or throw something at them, but they just start slowly walking toward you. Even if you, say, light them on fire or drop a large object on top of them, it only serves to make them stumble momentarily or have to lift the object off of themselves before they continue their pursuit. Despite their inability or unwillingness to talk, you get the distinct impression that all you did was really piss them off. And of course, like an idiot, you stood there and watched them overcome each obstacle you set before them in disbelief instead of creating distance between yourself and your undead rival.

Anyway, I’m one to appreciate the slow, lumbering monster over the villain who strikes like lightning. There’s a certain style to it. It’s like the cool kid in high school who just doesn’t care about anything.

“Go ahead and run, I don’t care. I’ll probably just catch you when you trip over a downed tree branch and hurt your ankle real badly anyway. No big deal.”

This is also the sign of a murderous stranger who takes his career seriously. Think of the focus and patience that is required to drag out the chase. This really allows the absolute terror gripping the soon to be victim to set in properly. It’s like a good marinade. You can still taste it if you just brush it on, but if you really let it soak overnight, it’s so much more satisfying. Someone who puts that much time and effort into their trade gets the nod in my book.

And all this comes at a price. There isn’t the instant gratification of lopping off a head or stabbing a breathing torso multiple times. The desired result is delayed. This has to add stress on a killer. I mean, what if the kid you picked out happens to be the one who needs to be kept around for the sequel? Sure, you’ll get another chance because whatever method they think they finally killed you with surely left an opening for you to still survive and terrorize them again, but who wants to wait that long? And what if the kid gets replaced by another kid next time? Now you spent all that time following them for nothing. It’s a big risk.

There’s also a higher likelihood to be maimed or injured as mentioned above. While the savage killer is most likely already burned, scarred or mutated beyond human recognition, further physical disfigurement only adds insult to injury. It’s not what the killer signed up for when deciding to avenge whatever cause he chose to avenge from beyond the grave. Even if the death of their mother, brother, self or pet is properly avenged, a new lot of mental anguish might be inflicted on the killer that will require further avenging. All that avenging can really add up. A lifetime full of avenging can take its toll on a body. I speak from experience on this one.

So, next time a Friday the 13th rolls around, if you just so happen to find yourself on the business end of a rusty machete, chainsaw or other piece of lawn landscaping equipment, remember the work that the impending massacre truly required. If you look close enough, you’ll see there is a level of craftsmanship on display that may make the extremely painful last few moments of your life a bit more satisfying.