Monday, January 24, 2011

The Long Week Ahead May as Well Start With New Features

As I recover from a depressing Sunday, allow me to distract myself by providing you with new weekly features.

This week's top 5 list consists of things that I will be consuming this week as a direct result of the events of Sunday:

5. Pretzels - My sons didn't eat these constantly as I expected.

4. Brats - I made more than we needed, especially considering that there was plenty of other meat products to partake of in my home for the games yesterday, even after two rounds of feasting.

3. Beer - I bought more than needed, and I can't really say that I did so unintentionally.

2. Chili - The pot always looks so much smaller when it's actually stewing.

1. Crow - I was really expecting a win and am going to have to humbly admit that, while I'm proud of the defense, the Bears did not play well enough overall to win the game. Also, Go Steelers!

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is a mountain. Not the classic rock band who performed the smash hit Mississippi Queen, but an actual landform that rises above the surrounding area. If those greedy national parks hadn't scooped up all the decent ones out there, you could have your own camping, climbing, hunting and skiing area or somewhere to build your secret lair/lab where you could look down on all you survey and all that was about to be yours to own (by this I mean the world).

This week's sign you are a nerd is that over half of your wardrobe consists of Star Wars t-shirts. You would be infinitely cooler if you would just mix a couple other shirts in there. Super heros work well. Be forewarned, however, Star Trek shirts have the opposite effect.

This week's nemesis is the entire state of Wisconsin. You fatten me up with brats, cheese and PBR, you attract me to spend money on your state's economy via water parks and the related surrounding activities, then you have the audacity to keep my beloved Bears from the Super Bowl. Plus, that whole heavyweight belt thing Aaron Rodgers does bugs the living hell out of me. Just stop it.

This week's lesson learned is that dog poo freezes to the grass in the winter, making it nearly impossible to pick up unless you get it while it's...brace yourself...still warm (not the outside temperature, the poo). I usually just hope for a thin layer of snow, enough to cover up the little land mines, until spring arrives. But if you must, remember to lift with your legs.

This week's equation helps us figure out how quickly boogers will freeze upon stepping outside:

The time in seconds that it will take for your boogers to freeze (t) can be found by taking the sum of the outdoor temperature in degrees Celsius (T subscript o) and the temperature of the indoor location your are exiting from in degrees Celsius (T subscript i) and multiplying that sum by the viscosity of your snot (v) on a scale of 1-5 with 5 being the most dry and crusty.

This week's Star Wars quote is: "If money is all you love, then that's what you'll receive."

Thanks for reading. Nope to be posting regularly this week, so please check back often.

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