Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Weekly Features From a Superfan

High off the Bears' playoff win, I will now update this week's features beginning with a Superfan style top 5 list.

Top 5 things da Bears' defense could defend or could have defended:

5. Deir endzone - It goes without saying dat da Bears and deir number four ranked defense in terms of points against have kept da opposition from scoring all year.

4. Fort Knox - Da United States gold reserve would be in capable hands if fortified behind Lovie's Cover 2 and da likes of Julius Peppers, Brian Urlacher and Lance Briggs.

3. Your immune system against de flu - It has been said dat none of da Bears have received flu shots dis year because their natural defenses are so strong, just like deir on field defense.

2. Pearl Harbor - Had da current Bears defense been called in on dat day dat will live in infamy to defend the aerial assault like dey will defend da aerial assault of da Packers next Sunday, da western front of World War II may have been won before it ever started.

1. Aaron Rodgers - Da much hyped quarterback from da evil land of cheeseheads has trown for only two passes in da two games he faced da Bears dis year. While every other team seems to have deir defense torn apart by Brette Favre's would-be heir, da Bears have kept him grounded, a trend I expect will continue next week. Furthermore...Bears!

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is a H.A.L. 9000 system. This A.I. system was supposed to be invented ten years ago now and be the height of space travel guidance technology. They must just be working out the bugs, so purchasing one for your own flight or to organize things around your home is still out of the question. I'm sorry, Dave...

This week's sign you are a nerd is that you scan the magazines and tabloids at the grocery store check-out counter not to get the latest gossip but to try and find grammatical errors. What passes for editing at Us Weekly is atrocious.

This week's nemesis is winter rain. Snow is a pain in the ass, but at least it looks nice. Rain makes everything melt and look all soggy then turns to ice after the temperature inevitably drops again.

This week's lesson learned is that when a kid responds to your question by saying, "a little," it usually means, "a lot." For example, when you ask, "How much milk did you spill?" or when you ask, "How much toilet paper did you use to clog the toilet?" Each time, the response, "a little," means, "a lot."

This week's equation is self-explanatory:

This week's Star Wars quote is, "Hold your fire. There's no life forms. Must have short-curcuited."

And that is all for this week. Please do me the favor of throwing your allegiance behind the Bears if your team is no longer alive. All support and good karma is appreciated.

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