Sunday, January 2, 2011

Should Weekly Features Be Forgot

A new year means new weekly features.

Our first top five list of 2011 is New Year’s resolutions I’m most likely to keep:

5. Exercise – This is the long shot of the list at number five, but it’s more likely to happen than my resolution to eat healthy, which just so happens to rule the number one spot on the alternate top five list I had ready for this week of resolutions I’m most likely to break.

4. Go back to school – It’s something I’ve been toying around with for a long time and I think 2011 is the year to pull the trigger. But I might be able to procrastinate on this one a semester or two longer.

3. Write more – I wrote a lot in 2010, posting on this blog more often than not once it started, but I want to work on some other projects on top of that this year.

2. Watch more of The Regular Show – Any time I happen to catch even a portion of the misadventures of Mordecai and Rigby while my sons are watching it, I laugh my butt off. You can always use more of that.

1. Quit smoking – I know this is the hardest thing for most people to do, but seeing as I don’t smoke, I figure this one is a slam dunk. I like to always have one ringer on my list that I’m sure to accomplish.

This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own is a movie production company. Whether you want to buy an existing one for million upon billions or start your own little indie operation that makes the kind of brave, thought provoking movies that change people’s lives, the costs are astronomical. But if you think you’ve got the next Napoleon Dynamite or have always dreamed of producing that hero epic about the starring the kleptomaniac with a heart of gold who travels the country with his cross-dressing nephew, good luck.

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that you’ve tried to develop your own language. I’m not talking about an extensive list of inside jokes between you and a friend that causes people to not understand what you find so funny. I mean a whole new language that has it’s own grammar and syntax, like Klingon. In fact, if you even tried to lay the groundwork for this before, you officially qualify as a nerd.

This week’s nemesis is holiday bills. You make it through December, attend parties, buy gifts for your entire list and you think that you’re in the clear. Then, the credit card bill roles in and you realize you’re not in the clear just yet.

This week’s lesson learned is not to cook a seven pound ham and make four dozen chocolate chip cookies on the day you’re supposed to start your diet.

This week’s equation is:

We can calculate your rate of happiness in 2011 (r) by adding the number of video game consoles you own (c) to the number of movies to be released in the coming year that you are excited about (m) then multiplying that sum by how bad 2010 sucked for you on a 1-10 scale with 10 being the suckiest (s) then dividing that product by the average power ranking of your favorite sports teams (p), multiplying that figure by the likelihood of you remaining employed through 2011 (L) and multiplying the whole shebang to the power of how many times a week you read Transformer Generation Dad (b). Shameless self-promotion, I know.

And the first Star Wars quote of the New Year is: “So, what I told you was true…from a certain point of view.”

Thanks for reading. I look forward to a great year.

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