Monday, January 31, 2011

Same Bat-Blog, New Bat-Features

Welcome loyal readers and any stray wanderers that happen to have unfortunately fallen into the clutches of this blog. It's time again to update our weekly features.

This week's top five subject was pulled randomly from my meandering thoughts. I realized that, without including voice talents, I can only recall five different actors who have portrayed Batman, by far the greatest of DC characters (though my wife would argue on behalf of a certain Amazonian). Thus, I decided it would make a good top five list and they play out as follows:

5. Val Kilmer - I don't hate Mr. Kilmer, but after Top Secret, he should have done Tombstone and then retired in my opinion. The most vivid memory I have of his portrayal of the Caped Crusader is him saying, "Tell me, doctor. Do you like the circus?"

4. George Clooney - Meh...Perhaps I would have enjoyed the Cloon-dog more if Joel Schumacher hadn't added nipples to the exterior of the costume.

3. Michael Keaton - The first respectable representation of Batman on this list, Keaton stepped in amid a great deal of controversy and played a damn fine Batman. And you all thought a guy known for comedic roles couldn't pull it off. Don't act like you didn't criticize Tim Burton for his selection of Mr. Mom either, because I heard you.

2. Christian Bale - I know he's trying to disguise his voice for the purposes of maintaining his secret identity, and I will give full props to him for that because it's something that nobody else in the history of super heroes has thought of that I can remember, but the scratchy, growling Batman voice that Bale produces is the only thing that keeps him from the number one spot.

1. Adam West - No words. Just read the name again. Okay, one quick comment. I'd like to see any one of those other guys try to pull off the Bat-toosie.

This week's cool-ass thing you will never own is a battleship. I'm sure that you have dreamed of this during your numerous rounds of playing Battleship, the classic naval combat game from Milton Bradley, or maybe even while using the battleship token while playing Monopoly, the classic property trading game from Parker Brothers, but acquiring one would be awfully difficult. Provided you maneuvered through government sanctions in controlling that much firepower, a boat slip fee for something that size has got to cost a fortune.

This week's sign you are a nerd is that you are angered by this week's top five Batmans list and plan on writing your own scathing commentary, either on your own blog or in the comments section of this post. Ah, but now you are second guessing that because I just wrote that it would be a sign you are a nerd. You've played right into my hands.

This week's nemesis is comic books. I'll be reading a perfectly wonderful book (yes, a real book) and then I get two or three issues in the mail and everything stops until they are read. Sometimes that even involves having to reference back issues to catch up on the storyline. Plus, I have a hard time sharing the enjoyment of the story with my wife without her rolling her eyes at my failed attempts to make it sound more interesting to her.

This week's lesson learned is not to assume a small snake that hasn't eaten in over a week is dead. Should you do so, you may receive quite the shock upon reaching your hand into the cage to remove things and clean it out, not expecting movement. Apparently, these things can do just fine with nothing but water for a long time.

This week's equation helps us determine our likelihood of selecting the correct Series 3 Lego Minifigure from the box at the store:

That likelihood (L) can be determined by taking the sum of your eyesight (e, rated 1-5 with 5 being the best) and the lack of attention to your packet fondling by the store clerk (a, rated 1-5 with 5 being the least attentive) multiplied by a 1-10 rating of how many accessories from this series you know (n) and the number of packets remaining in the display box (c) all divided by the full capacity of said box, 60.

And, this week's Star Wars quote is: "You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on twelve systems."

Thanks for reading. Please spread the word about this awesome blog that you have been reading. No, I meant this one. Yes, the one you are reading right now. No, not in the other window of your browser, this one. Thank you.

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